CUEmu - Thread Posts

RunemonIV

Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:03 pm

Darth Vader Strode down the hatch of the Lamda Class shuttle. It had been many years since his dark gaze has fallen upon Mos Espa. Billowing behind him, the wind whipping his dark cape as his gaze fell to the woman before him.

"I have the information you requested my lord" , she simply stated.

"Good, The order will be within the reach of the Emporer shortly. Has this Master found out about his lost love?", Vader knew what was at stake. The powerful Teras Kasi order would now be his to control.

"Greegan is the oldest of the order, I have found records dating back 400 cycles and he suspects The Empire to blame for his lover's death" , she Intoned.

"The Rebellion plays games of thier own lady. Greegan will come to find this out. You have done excellent. Return to Naboo for a debriefing" , Vader whipped around. Filling himself with pride as the entire Garrison posted here stood at attention to see him off. The embarrasment of losing the Death Star still not gone from his mind, and one boy whom he suspects may be more than that, still eluded him.

This particular monk, could be quite an assett, he thought to himself. The oldest living Teras Kasi Master in the Galaxy will soon be an agent of the Emperor. If Vader could laugh manically, he would have at that point.

Greegan K'thulu was going through his paces with his newest student. She was a quick study but her physical requisites were lacking. He reflected on this. Sometimes it takes decades for the flower to bloom. Yet he watched her and instructed her on her stances, her strikes and when needed he scolded in a harsh manner. All that knew Greegan or knew of him, knew that he was not a gentle fellow nor one to be triffled with.

His thoughts fell upon not his student to his surprise but to his lost lover. The human dancer from Tatooine whom he gave his heart to. Her death costed him much. Her death was the reason he joined the rebellion, to take up thier cause and to create a galaxy wide ripple between he and his order. The Black Order could wait another day, he mused. When the galaxy is put back together and this conflict is over.

"Master, this is the charging wompa?", asked his student.

"Yes, very good. I will teach you no more this day. Go home.", Greegan was heavy hearted. He could help but shake the feeling he missed something vital to his lover's death. Rebel investigators on the scene quickly deduced it was the work of the Empire. Yet he wasnt so sure.

His mind turned inward, remembering the one time he was truely afraid. The day Darth Vader took his right arm with an angry red energy blade. Greegan trusted in his own prowess to escape that trap, so that he might assassinate the Emperor. That plan, that particular event did not go as planned.

There on Naboo, Greegan could breathe. In a galaxy full of varying species, he always stood out. So his home was made far south of theed on a lake. A deal was struck the the Gungan's to allow his secrecy and protect his home when not there. He went inside to meditate when he realized something was very wrong. The Kaadu were not singing, the insects stopped chirping, and the sound of repulser-lift thrusters begining to thunder as the sound descended from above.

Greegan walked outside calmly, dressed in his brown wooly jacket and tan khakis, his boots were made from the leather of dragonet lizards and cured soft dyed dark brown. The effect gave him the look of a simple man, in casual attire. The truth was not a fashion statement. He hid several weapons within his clothes and loose fitting clothes never hindered movement.

The Z-95 Headhunter lowered outside of his home, Its pilot a red headed woman of human origin. He knew who she was immediately.

"Greegan K'thulu I am Duty Officer Daala with a writ of protection signed by Palpatine himself. You have been pardoned and in addition you may find this data disk interestingly disturbing to you personally. The Empire normally does not allow the murderers of her naval soldiers to go unpunished but we understand you were misled and we hope that this data disk will show you the truth."

Fearing for her own safety she kept away standing 50 meters from him near her own personal ship. Greegan stared at her with his crimson eyes and debated the offer.

"You have delivered your message, now go." , he said simply. He looked down at the disk casing that she promply set in the grass and made her speedy departure. Thundering thru the skies as she spiraled up and away.

Greegan examined the casing and it was engraved in the royal seal of the Emperor. His first thought was it was trapped but then he deduced that even the Emperor, who obviously knew now where Greegan could be found would simply orbital strike his home and be done with the business. Greegan somberly went inside to examine the disk

Somewhere between day and night... where twilight fades, a scream of utter rage, born of hate and betrayal was heard coming from K'thulu manor. The rebels had killed his lover then planted the evidence: the carbine scoring from trooper fire, the chips of white ceraplast armor, everything that pointed him to the Empire was a set up.

His mind swam with the possibilities of this betrayal...

"So let them who would be betray instead be betrayed... I know a great many things!"

Greegan sped off into the night on his speeder toward theed!

Day one Veteran of the game.. just a little fed up.. /tiny

Jherad

Fri Feb 20, 2004 5:49 pm

#2

Great post!

More please

-Jherad

Aeain

Fri Feb 20, 2004 6:44 pm

#3

Awesome!!

Ei'n Bebop - TKM / Gimp

Alisha - Combat Medic / Master Doctor

Server: Eclipse

KraytDragonMan

Fri Feb 20, 2004 7:40 pm

#4

What a magnificient story.

biwan:

KOBALDONWANDERHOME

Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:48 pm

#5

awesome dude, please post more!

Master Creature Handler - Teras Kasi Master
rawr!

RunemonIV

Fri Feb 20, 2004 9:33 pm

#6

wow thanks ok ill churn out more.. this more or less is the rp storyline im following on bria right now... but yeah.. Greegan my character has a hella long back story

Day one Veteran of the game.. just a little fed up.. /tiny

RunemonIV

Fri Feb 20, 2004 9:57 pm

#7

Genesis pt 1

Greegan stood with his head bowed at the Statue of Quan Chi. His bright Red robe indicating he was a warrior hung loosely as he was trained to wear it. Not for comfort but for freedom of movement. His dark facial tatoo, a station within the government of his people was an omen. It was the sign of the outcast, like his family. He had never once seen Zabrak.

Greegan's thoughts were clouded with uncertainty. A new mission without his master Kawon to accompany him. Had the elders truly found him worthy to do this thing that they asked or were they sending him on a fools errand to be slain.

He didnt notice his master striding silently behind him thru the lush garden.

"Master Kawon, I dont understand the mandate given to me." , Greegan stated. The elder master looked upon his student with understanding eyes. "Greegan, The Black Guard are our enemies. Our schools have been rivals since the Shan'Tok or the splitting of the Order as you commonly know it.".

Greegan was a young Zabrak from the Garaoul House, born on tatooine and raised by his family on a moisture farm. He knew nothing of the mysterious master who came to him one night and wisked him away without a good bye to his parents and siblings. That was many years ago, his parents all but dead from age or disease. This was something he always accepted and it was easy with age, for the Meditation Trance has kept him alive for over 100 years.

The Black Guard are the more militant of the Teras Kasi order. During the Years of the Splitting,Many masters chose sides between two great schools. The Shining Fists and The Black Guard. Greegans thoughts turned back to his Master.

"So I am to infiltrate the ranks of The Black Guard and then train in thier violent ways?", Greegan Inquired without emotion.

"This is so young one. Remember there was a time when our schools were one and the order stood for the light. The Oracles fortell of a great war falling among the stars. Many of us will see this war in our lifespans. Elder Quan Chi has seen this vision countless times so it must be true. "

"I will leave as soon as the Elders bid me to, may I speak candidly master?", Greegan was vexed at his assignment, this was his first on his own and it was dangerous.

"Greegan you are no longer a monk, your input as a Teras Kasi Warrior is always welcome. Remember Quan Chi teaches us with young minds come fresh ideas, from the sky to the land there is always a shade of grey. This is where you find your answers.

"I feel that I am not prepared for this assignment. I still havent mastered the meditation trance. My powers still elude me."

"You have mastered it Greegan, you just doubt in yourself to do what you must and that is why we send you to The BLack Guard. Perhaps it will be you that will one day unite our schools or perhaps you will be destroyed.

Greegan nodded and with a wave of the old one's arm he was dismissed.

(bear with me its not easy to write a complete story in one sitting so im doing it in peices)

Day one Veteran of the game.. just a little fed up.. /tiny

RunemonIV

Sat Feb 21, 2004 4:32 am

#8

small bump

Day one Veteran of the game.. just a little fed up.. /tiny

Tal-N

Sat Feb 21, 2004 5:32 am

#9

Just needs a bit of proof reading I think, a few things of note here in an otherwise nice peice of fan fiction.

"The Rebellion plays games of thier own lady" shouldn't this be lately not lady?

"You have done excellent" this is simply bad english, plus Vader and the Emperor are fond of using the phrase "You have done well"

"Filling himself with pride as the entire Garrison posted here stood at attention to see him off." soemthing about this just doesn't sit well with me, Vader was never one to really be prideful. Confident yes, too sure of himself maybe. If anything his response to such news as this would be more like him feeling that his fist was closing around his objective rather than a smug satisfaction. Vader and the Sith were always about their own sense of the inevitability of it all.

"The embarrasment of losing the Death Star still not gone from his mind, and one boy whom he suspects may be more than that, still eluded him." A Sith does not feel embarrasment or shame, anger from failure yes but never self pitty as well.

"If Vader could laugh manically, he would have at that point." Congratulations, you just killed the sinister presense Vader had up until this point. Things such as this really aren't needed, we know how Vader is and frankly he tends to have a moment of reflection when he recieves such news and this and dismisses someone. That moment of a pause is what generally makes him such a dangerous figure since you can just imagine what twisted thoughts are running through his mind, plotting and schemeing.

"All that knew Greegan or knew of him, knew that he was not a gentle fellow nor one to be triffled with." This was a very messy way of saying it. I'd suggest something more simple such as "Greegan had a reputation for being ruthless, never someone to underestimate or triffle with"

"Her death costed him much" this is just simple bad english and a bit cold in emotion. "Her death had cost him dearly" would be a more elegant to say it. However overall this would be a great opitunity to really explain the kind of pain he had gone through and the emotional scars it had left. Make the reader really sympathize with the man.

"His mind turned inward, remembering the one time he was truely afraid." His thoughts would turn inward, not his mind. There are many ways to say this sentance which would have more of a flow to the sentance rather than the rather rough words you use and feel a little disjointed.

"The day Darth Vader took his right arm with an angry red energy blade." Doesn't feel quite as vicious as it should, losing an arm like that needs to sound so much more violent. Maybe a reference to the way amputated limbs still feel like they ache when they are gone, maybe if as he is thinking of the event you can mention how he reaches across to his stub. Sub-consicously massaging a ghostly ache from his lost appendage.

"The Kaadu were not singing, the insects stopped chirping, and the sound of repulser-lift thrusters begining to thunder as the sound descended from above." Kaddu don't exactly the sing, the insects might sound like a chorus of chirping however. You need to dwell a little more on that unnatural silence before the sound of repulsor-lifts can be heard in my opinion. Give it a bit more of a significant edge.

"Greegan walked outside calmly, dressed in his brown wooly jacket and tan khakis, his boots were made from the leather of dragonet lizards and cured soft dyed dark brown." I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have bother with boots while meditating, perhaps something inbetween where he reaches for his boots when he heards the first indications of the repulsor-lift engines and puts them on as the sound grows louder.

"So let them who would be betray instead be betrayed... I know a great many things!" Greegan sped off into the night on his speeder toward theed!" Oh so melodramatic, a Teras Kasi would spend more time reflecting on events than to simply rush into battle. Fair enough that this is a man who seeks revenge however that doesn't mean he wouldn't first comtemplate who was responsible for the betrayal and how to strike back at them.

All in all it's a nice concept here, you need to really flesh it out and establish the characters more. Give them some real substance rather than the currently shallow emotions they feel. The issue with him losing an arm seems tacked on to be honest almost as if it was an afterthought so unless it serves any greater purpose in the story it may as well be removed completely or at least made a little more prominant. Maybe a reference to the messenger being slightly taken aback by his missing arm, her eyes wandering to focus on that stub as she speaks and Greegan's mild irritation towards such behavior. Maybe he says something and her eyes instantly snap back to looking at his face when she realises she was staring. Like i said, the characters need to have more personality at this early a stage in the story. Once you have established what they are like earlier on it makes the story flow more naturally later as you need to explain things less.

Tal-N Chratk
Ahazi Master Bioengineer / Hunt Master / Rifleman
______________________
Tal'N Chratk
Shadowfire Bounterhunter / Commando

Tal-N

Sat Feb 21, 2004 5:41 am

#10

If you're making this up as you go then I'd suggest you at least give more thought towards what you're doing. No good story is ever made up if you wing it as all of the great stories are planned well in advance so that you have enough depth to events and a more solid progression of the plot. Very rarely does anything in a good story actually get mentioned without it having at least some significance, like i said the concept of a Teras Kasi without an arm is most novel and could really be used for some unique events given the right control over where the story leads and enough forward planning.

Tal-N Chratk
Ahazi Master Bioengineer / Hunt Master / Rifleman
______________________
Tal'N Chratk
Shadowfire Bounterhunter / Commando

RunemonIV

Sat Feb 21, 2004 9:21 am

#11

first off... lol this is fictional work.. who are you mr rogers?

secondly it was not posted to be critiqued but since it bothered you dont worry ill not post again on it

this is why i never post anything anymore... lets see you do better dood

Day one Veteran of the game.. just a little fed up.. /tiny

Tal-N

Sat Feb 21, 2004 10:39 am

#12

If you put anything up publically you should expect critique, you should at least be grateful that I gave you constructive critisism rather than saying it sucks and let you never learn from your mistakes. Stop rubbing your brusied ego fora second and try to realise I'm attempting to help you become better at something you enjoy doing. If you can't see that theres a difference between critisism designed to encourage people and critisism designed to berate them you're going to struggle in life.

Message Edited by Tal-N on 02-21-2004 05:41 PM

Tal-N Chratk
Ahazi Master Bioengineer / Hunt Master / Rifleman
______________________
Tal'N Chratk
Shadowfire Bounterhunter / Commando

Bashkaai

Sat Feb 21, 2004 12:04 pm

#13

Tal-N wrote:

If you put anything up publically you should expect critique, you should at least be grateful that I gave you constructive critisism rather than saying it sucks and let you never learn from your mistakes. Stop rubbing your brusied ego fora second and try to realise I'm attempting to help you become better at something you enjoy doing. If you can't see that theres a difference between critisism designed to encourage people and critisism designed to berate them you're going to struggle in life.

Message Edited by Tal-N on 02-21-2004 05:41 PM

I like his stuff... Tal-N, shut up. Seriously. I notice most of ur posts are pretty ignorant. Let him finish. I Like the story, please continue.

Dire Force-Tracker

Moron, you are!!

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