Smuggler Archive
Thread: A chuckle for the smuggler
Ok here is my addition:
Sitting outside coronet casually, just logged in. Notice a noob next to me begging for credits.
Noob: "please give me credits, i am new"
He is wearing the starter marksman outfit, so i just chaulk it up to lazy youth and let it pass. He is also wearing a Novice Marksman tag.
Noob: "please give me credits, i am new"
Noob: "please give me credits, i am new"
I decide to start slicing so I hit my macro macro:
Me: "Master Smuggler open for business, 2k per item, bulk discounts and 100% success!"
3 or 4 customers wander up and noob takes notice. 20 seconds later i see...
Noob: "Slicing weapons, come trade me 1500 credits!"
I politely ask to see his smuggler tag. He declinces, so I politely ask him to stop harassing my customers and attempting to cheat them. I get the feeling this is going to get ugly....
/addfriend noob
/report noob
Noob: "go f$%^ yourself. I am a master slicer and i slice here too you $%#$%#$%"
Me: "Maybe you should show your slicer tag to reassure your customers"
Noob: "$%#$%## #$%#@@@ @#!!@ @#!!#@ your mom"
Me: "nice"
Me: /shout "I ask that you all avoid having Mr. Noob slice your weapons as he is attempting to scam you, thanks"
Noob has challenged you to a duel.
Me:"I really doubt you want to fight me friend"
/decline duel
Noob "@#$@% @#$@# you"
Noob has challenged you to a duel.
I proceeded to call out a frenzied graul.
Noob: "no"
I put the graul away, electing to go for a bile drenched quenker and a mountian squill.
Noob: "no"
Noob: "no"
/accept duel
/tellpet attack
Noob: "wwwsd1"
/lastditch
I really enjoyed watching the two female entertainers standing next to me, take the tip to go /spit on hisbody before I BDed him.
MrCSR "Thank you for your report of harassment. We take these matters very seriously and the person will be punished, have a good day"
Mr Noob has gone offline
and he never returned 
Dreds
Master Smuggler, Corbantis
You guys make me wish I could deal death to some super annoying customer as well... sounds like fun lol
Unfortunately, or fortunately I tend to only get pretty cool knowledgable clientelle
Dmytri,
LOL...I actually WITNESSED that event the other day. Some goofbag trained 3 mottled wrixes on me (not anyone in your group) while I was killing sharnaffs and ended up in the cloning center while your group was outside healing up. Small world, eh?
I've got alot of funny smuggler stories, most centered around slicing. Here are a few, probably sound similar to yours:
me: *slicing advertising macro* "Imperials & Neutrals! Slicer slicing weapons and armor, 100 credits per % increase. Weapons can be increased in speed or damage, Armor can be increased in effectiveness or decreased in encumberance. Send a tell if interested!"
Newb: Oooh. Can you slice my pistol?
me: sure.
Newb: How much?
me: 100 credits per % increase.
Newb: what is increased?
me: attack speed can be increased so you can shoot faster or damage ranged can be increased to shoot more damaging shots. I can slice around 15-25% at the moment. If I get under a 15% slice, no charge. Please unequip your gun if you have it equiped, trade it with me and I'll slice it on up.
Newb: ok, slice it for me!
me: do you have the credits? Usually 1500 or more is the normal fee.
Newb: yes, I got money! Lots!
me: /trade newb
Newb: /accept trade
me: *slices out a 28% damage increase*
me: sliced out 28% damage increase so 2800 credits.
Newb: omg **edit**. I thought you said 100 credits?!?
me: per % increase. meaning if I slice it at 10%, that is 10 times 100. Which means 1000 credits. etc.
Newb: omg you are a ripoff, I don't have that money!
me: but you just told me you did before we traded...
Newb: can I have my gun back?
me: sure, when you pay me.
Newb: omg. f**k you! I'm not paying you!
*another customer walks up, a regular of mine*
me: do you have at least 1000 credits? I'll lower the price down to that since you are having problems...
Newb: OMG I HAVE NO MONEY!!!
me: then why did you tell me you did earlier?
Newb: I DIDN"T! OMG **edit**!
me: ok look let's do this.
me: Newb, if you do a few delivery missions, I'll still be here in the cantina when you get back and you can pay me for it. I'll even lower the price to 1000 credits just this once...
Newb: OMG *rants about not doing missions (b/c he is lazy)*
One of my regular customers walks up...
Regular: Hey Phoenix, can you slice this weapon for me? As well as a few pieces of armor?
me: sure, you know the rules and costs right?
Regular: yup, 100 credits per % increase, free for below 15% slice. I've got 15k on me so I should be set.
Newb: OMG DON'T LET HIM DO IT! HE RIPS YOU OFF!
Regular: /tells me who is this person? lol he's spewing crazy talk!
me: *slices Regulars gun*
me: 25% increase in speed, 2500 credits for the gun.
Regular: awesome!
me: *slices 3 pieces of armor* (takes me a few minutes to do that, b/c of lag and all the windows we gotta go thru).
me: 10% increase in effectiveness on boots, so no charge. 20% encumb. reduc on chest plate. 2k credits for that one. 30% encumb. reduc. on helmet. 3k for that one.
Regular: hell yeah!
me: so 5k for the armor and 2500 for the gun. so 7500 credits.
Regular: sure, np!
Regular: /tips me 10k.
Regular: Keep the change man! I'll be back again!
*5 more minutes had passed*
Newb: OMG CAN I HAVE MY GUN BACK?!?
Me: *getting tired of him* I'll give you your gun back, but next time please have some cash. You could have ran a few missions while you were sitting here complaining you know.
Newb: F**K you YOU SUCK!
Me: /addignore newb.
I hate people who can't read.
Ok, so this tale isn't about smuggling, actually, it's from back before I made Novice Smuggler and was wearing my Novice Gunfighter tag. Names have not been changed to protect the guilty because bad con artists deserve what they get.
* I am AFK getting a beer. *
Iaslega Uvoi: hey gunfighter
IU: deebo slim
IU: can i interest u in a gun
* I return to the keyboard. He has tapped me on the shoulder and invited me to join a group. I decline. *
IU: Hey
Deebo Slim: Hello
IU: hi
IU: deebo, can i interest u in a gun
DS: I doubt it, but go ahead and try.
IU: i have this here rifle ill give u for 100
* He is holding what appears to be a CDEF rifle. *
DS: Yeah, uh... I'm more in the market for a top of the line SR Combat Pistol. But thanks.
IU: or i can sell u a pistol for 50
IU: i got 1
DS: An SR Combat Pistol?
* Yeah, right. *
IU: it will cost u though
DS: Did you make it?
IU: no a friend of mine did
DS: Who's your friend?
IU: his name is jeff. I forget his swg name
DS: Heh. It's really the SWG name I care about.
DS: So, how much for the SR? Can I see the stats? Open a trade window and show it to me.
IU: ill give it to u for 1000
* He opens a trade window and plops in his "SR Combat Pistol". I look at the stats. *
IU: ill add in a axe
* But wait! There's more! NOW how much would you pay?! *
DS: You know I can tell that you are lying, right?
IU: no im not
DS: That's a CDEF pistol and you made it.
IU: its a real pistol, i need the money badly and the axe is damaged
IU: thats the reason im throwing in the axe
DS: That's a CDEF pistol and you made it.
IU: i could also throw in some long range weapon powerups
IU: np its not its the real thing
DS: Ok, follow closely:
DS: That's a CDEF pistol and you made it.
IU: how so
DS: I could see the stats.
DS: It's a CDEF pistol.
DS: I could see the maker.
IU: well the stats are wrong
DS: It was YOU.
DS: And Finally, it LOOKED like a CDEF gun.
IU: ok then just but it off me for 100
DS: hah
DS: You should be an Entertainer class, cuz yer @*@#ing funny.
IU: howabout this buy a cdef rifle off me for 500
... Yeah, the same one he offered me for 100. Heh.
-D
I had a guy ask me to slice for him while I was sitting in the Keren Med Center. He says he has to go to the bank. No problem. He doesn't know how to get there, first time in Keren. Again no problem, I base out of Keren so I know the town well.
I go to head over the first bridge out of the med center going towards the bank and ran past 3 RSF. I don't think anything of it, never bothered to get faction negative to make them hate me which is bad if you hang out around Naboo anyways 
So I get a little further and all the suddenI hear gunfire. I turn and they are shooting at my customer. At this point I start laughing as they chase him back across the bridge and who knows where. He hadn't warned me they would be a problem.
I head to the bank and /tell him the waypoint and say find your way there. Well he gets to the bank and all is quiet. I slice the item and we are in the middle of a trade to finish the deal when all the sudden RSF show up and open fire again. He bolts out of the bank with the RSF chasing him.
Well I'm an honest "businessman" so I need to finish giving him his weapon back. He is running through town being chased by RSF with me chasing them (of course I'm not shooting them). Eventually he makes it in the theatre and they are outside. I go in and make the trade.
To be nice I went out to see if any RSF were in line of sight and so I directed him out the one way they weren't. Well as soon as he comes out of the building they are all over him again and chasing him out of town. By this point I'm laughing hysterically. Now when he needs me to do business with hiim I meet him in Kaadera where there are less RSF 
DogWelder wrote:
Dmytri,
LOL...I actually WITNESSED that event the other day. Some goofbag trained 3 mottled wrixes on me (not anyone in your group) while I was killing sharnaffs and ended up in the cloning center while your group was outside healing up. Small world, eh?
Hahaha, yeah, small galaxy indeed.
Thanks for this thread, you guys have made my day! (Of course, people in the surrounding cubicles are wondering what the stifled laughter coming from my workstation is...)
Gotta say, of all the people I meet, smugglers never fail to be the most friendly and easy to talk to. Ya gotta have character for this job. 
-Hack
Cerrandan Oloovai, Master Musician, Slicer, Rogue
Me sitting in my field base ranger camp on Endor...patiently waiting for my friend to show up to go do the maurader theme park, I have a novice ranger tag up, when noob CH walks up
NoobCH: Hey whats up
Me: just camping waiting for a friend.
NoobCH: Do you have any pets?
Me: yeah I have a pet cowardly gurreck, its pretty nice (thinking he is selling one, afterall he has the CH tag up) but I'd be willing to buy another?
NoobCH: Will you sell him to me?
Me: Um no he's my pet but I'd be willing to give you the name of someone who would or as ranger I can help you track one.
(we agree to go track one, I tell him there is one 200 m to the south...)
NoobCH: Which way is south?
Me: ughhh follow me. (at this point a camp of aggros spawns right on top of us, and we both die)
(we go through healing up etc niether of us had cloned....the local dancer/medic yells at him for not even thanking her the last time she healed him, at this point my friend had arrived so I say goodbye and think that is going to be the end of it.)
look over my should and who do I see? NoobCH following me and my friend yelling wait!
me: what is it?
NoobCH: so like are you going to give me that gurreck?
Me: um no he's my pet.
NoobCH: /cry
Me: look its not like I can just tame another one I'd have to buy one...
NoobCH: but I've tried everywhere nobody will sell me one.
MasterCH strolls up: I have a bunch of gurrecks for sale. (pulls one out)
NoobCH: can I have one?
MasterCH: yeah they are 15k
NoobCH: can't you just give him to me?
(at this point I leave.....hopefully never to see NoobCH again...... but fifteen seconds latter guess who I see coming up from behind.)
Me: /addignore NoobCH
I went hunting with a bunch of friends of Corellia when we came across a Grand Wrix lair right next to a regular Wrix lair. I only had my FWG5 with me, so I asked someone if I could borrow a Scout or DX2 for the Grand Wrixes... when, 2 seconds later, the Master Entertainer opens fire on the Grand Wrix lair.
The group is summarily torn apart and death blowed... except for me, who had the presence of mind to Feign Death.
The groupchat went something like
Wookie - Where's Dmytri? did he clone in another city?
Human CH - No, he's a smuggler.
Wookie - So?
Twi-Lek Entertainer - So that jerk feigned death, he's getting all the XP from the battle.
Me - Hey guys, how was the Deathblow Express?
Everyone - shut up and get back here, we need another medic
When I got back to where they had all cloned, they were still there, licking their wounds... I strolled in and started helping with the medic duties - a grand total of 5 wounds and 3 battle fatigue.
i've had many many many of those annoying d3Wd stories. i have a much much much more hilarious story that i MUST share.
i was over in my house rearranging all this crap in my house (fish take up 3 spaces OMG, why must i fish), cuz i had like no room in my inventory.
customer: hey man i was referred to you by *this* master weaponsmith, can u slice this gun i just purchased?
me: sure thing (i proceed to tell him my rates)
c: where cani meet you?
me: im at my house (emails him the waypoint, but i dont type a message, just "E of Coronet, Corellia" in the email title with the waypoint)
c: what planet is this waypoint?
me: it says in the email
c: o the title, ha ha i get it.
**15 mins later....i have an organized house, and more inv spaceand he pops in my house.**
me: howdy. you ready?
c: yes sir
** so we trade, and i get a 35% dmg slice on his laser carb **
me: wow, helluva slice, 35% dmg laser carb
c: /faint. dude i love you.
** tips me 10k (well over my rate) **
me: thanks alot for that tip man, have fun with that gun!
c: i sure will...but will you answer me this question...
me: then i said, alright, whaddaya want to know?
** i get a "unity" (marriage) proposal **
me: haha i'm flattered mister, but i'm spoken for (well no, but i had to be polite)
c: hey i had to try. thanks alot!
I didn't know SOE was so politically correct in this game, lol.
There i was, minding my own business at Kor Vella starport. Waiting for a ship.
Some random guy, can't even remember his name, walks up and just challenges me to a duel.
My initial response was one of amusement. I then asked him why he wanted to duel me.
His reply: "I'm just looking for something to do"
I told him he really ought not to challenge a Master Smuggler, as it wouldn't be all that pleasant an experience for him.
His reply "Think you're something special then eh?"
I replied "No, not really, in fact i don't even participate in pvp except for the odd once or twice"
Well unfortunately for him, he had already challenged me.
He walked off with some pathetic insult, along the lines of calling me stupid. Now i wasn't cloned, but from the looks of things nor was he, he already had some wounds. So i took a risk....
Well, by this time he was about 40m away. Oops, i hit the accept duel, and wham, knocked him off his feet with a low blow, then two last ditches and he was down.
Casually walked up to him, then sent him to sleep, although just before i did so, i had to tell him that "I told you so"
He returned and never said a word to me
Sometimes it feels nice to put people in their place
And in all honesty, i could care less if i shot him in the back first. It was his own fault for starting a fight in the first place. I just wanted him out of my face hehe.