CUEmu - Thread Posts

Saarek

Fri Jun 17, 2005 10:04 am

A young couple are playing golf on a beautiful country club course. The wife tees up and shoots the ball straight down the fairway, really close to a house that is just off to the left.

The husband tees off and slices the ball hard to the left towards the house... CRASH! The ball broke a window on this beautiful big country club home.

Being the good sumeritans they are - the cuple figures they'd go over and apologize.

They knock on the door and a naked man answers the door. "Thank you so much!" he exclaims. "I am a genie, and I was trapped in that lamp you knocked over with the ball. I am indebted to you,I will grant you one wish."

The couple talks it over for a while and they decide that100 million dollars in cash is a suitable reward. They say so to the genie and he replies, "Very well. However I do have one thing to ask of you before I grat the wish. You see I have been a prisoner of the lamp for hundreds of years. I have not experienced the joy of love making for quite some time. I ask that I may have 1 hour with your wife in return for the wish."

Again the couple converses, and they agree. After the hour is completed, the Genie turns to the wife and asks how old is your husband? "Thirty-five" She replies.

"Thirty five, and he still believes in Genies?"

------
"The Hawtness is my ally, and a powerful ally it is." RIP SAAREK CARVATHOS :: AUG 4, 2005
------
S A A R E K "SIR WANKSALOT" C A R V A T H O S _Starsider. && _Corbantis.
M A S T E R S C O U N D R E L I AM JACK'S IGNORED PROFESSION
C O A L I T I O N O F T H E L O S T S M U G G L E R S .

Antonnio

Fri Jun 17, 2005 1:30 pm

#28

Forgive me if this one has been said.

Okay, there is a man who always goes to the bar, gets really drunk, and comes home having thrown up all over himself. His wife is really upset at this and demands that he quit drinking immediately.

Naturally he returns to the bar the next night, having promised his wife he wouldn't drink. While there the man sitting next to him inquires about why he isn't drinking. He tell's him that his wife will be angry if he comes home with vomit all over his shirt again. The man comes up with a brillian solution.

He tells him to put 50 bucks in his shirt pocket and tell his wife that somebody next to him threw up on him, and gave him the money to clean the shirt. So the man gets drunk, throws up all over himself, and returns home. His wife is not pleased.

"You have been drinking again!"
"No! Honestly, the guy next to me threw up all over me! He even put 50 bucks in my shirt pocket to pay to clean the shirt!"

She checks his pocket and finds 100 dollars in the shirt...
"Then why is there $100 in here?"
"Oh, yeah, the same guy cr@pped in my pants..."

Know its corney, but what the hey...

Smuggler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmug  |
gler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggler  | Antonnio J. Rossi
4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggler4Lif  | Captain of the Lone Wolf
eSmuggler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmu  | For Profit Only
ggler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggle  | *   *   *
r4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggler4Li  |  
feSmuggler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSm  | My Holonet Page
uggler4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggl  |
er4LifeSmuggler4LifeSmuggler4L  | We're made to suffer. It's our lot in life.

Ternque01

Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:52 pm

#29

Shrendyc wrote:

A young man has been drafted into his country's military since they have declared war on a neighbor. He goes through the usual basic training, and on the day of his shipping out to war, he is late to the supply depot and is the last guy in line. After a long wait, he finally gets up to the window and the clerk says "Sorry bub, all out of rifles."

"But I'm shipping out tomorrow! What am I going to fight with?"

The clerk looks around, grabs a broom, and after snapping off the business end, hands the young soldier the stick.

"What the heck am I supposed to do with this?" Inquired the young man.

Looking around carefully, the clerk leaned on the counter and said conspiratorially "Look, when you get on the battlefield, hold that stick like a rifle and shout 'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab.' It'll work, trust me."

"You've lost your mind, that will..."

"Look, I'm tellin' ya, just say 'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab', and you're good to go. Trust me."

"I'm doomed." the man thought as he walked away to get on board the transport ship.

The invasion started and the young man was stuck in a hole in the beach watching his comrades die in droves under withering enemy fire. Suddenly an enemy appeared at the top of the hole! Unwilling to die without a fight and without any other option, the young soldier pointed the stick as instructed and shouted "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

The enemy fell over, dead.

Shocked, the soldier peeked out of the hole and saw another enemy close by. "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!" he shouted and watched in amazement as that enemy too fell dead.

"'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab! bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!" the soldier shouted as he ran up and down the beach, single handedly turning the tide of the battle and eliminating the enemy in all areas.

Finally, he sees one remaining enemy standing far away, motionless. "This will be easy." he thought as he raised his stick and shouted once more "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

Nothing happened. Then, without warning,the enemy solider started walking slowly towards our hero.

"bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

Again nothing. The enemy is continuing to walk slowly and inexorably towards the solider.

"bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab! bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

All the while, nothing happens to the enemy as he draws nearer and nearer, eventually walking right over the young soldier, grinding him into the ground.

As the young man lay dying, he hears the enemy saying "tankity tankity tankity tankity....."

LOL!!!! This is the best joke I've heard in a long time... a long time!!!

Axob Freelight
The non-Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe.

Ternque01

Fri Jun 17, 2005 4:01 pm

#30

HOTDOG wrote:

Here is one I read in the GCW forums yesterday that still makes me chuckle.

Why did the Jedi cross the road?

He heard it was an exploit.

Yeah. Not a lot of love for Jedi in the GCW forums.

Yea, who cares if Jedi are made fun of on those forums. After a person gets moved down by the 20th 8+ Jedi ganksquad, I figure expressing it somewhere isn't entirely something to be looked down about. At least they did it in a positive manner.

Axob Freelight
The non-Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe.

Balzan

Fri Jun 17, 2005 10:09 pm

#31

Three leprachauns are at a pub, drinking guiness. When the first leprachaun says to the second, "You must have the smallest hands in the world."
The second quickly responds to the first "Then you must have the smallest feet,"
The third feeling left out says, "and I must have the smallest d*ck in the world."
So the three leprachauns decide to go to the Guiness Book of Records.
When the first leprachaun comes out, looking very pleased with himself, he says to his friends. "It's true I do have the smallest feet in the world"
The second then walks in and shortly after comes out and says to his friends, with a huge smile. "I do have the smallest hands in the world."
The third leprachaun feeling very good about himself walks in. Five minutes later he walks out with a very solemn face, "Who the f*ck is Balzan?"

Taerl Setran | Churen Tek-Den
Smuggler 90 | Elder Jedi 90----|
Crew for the Undermyth/ideas for your own crew.
Underworld
How I see NGE smuggler working
DISCLAIMER: By reading the above post you waver all rights to take my post as offensive and completely understand that whatever said that could be misconstrued as offensive was instead offered as humour, unless stated otherwise.

Shrendyc

Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:11 am

#32

A young man has been drafted into his country's military since they have declared war on a neighbor. He goes through the usual basic training, and on the day of his shipping out to war, he is late to the supply depot and is the last guy in line. After a long wait, he finally gets up to the window and the clerk says "Sorry bub, all out of rifles."

"But I'm shipping out tomorrow! What am I going to fight with?"

The clerk looks around, grabs a broom, and after snapping off the business end, hands the young soldier the stick.

"What the heck am I supposed to do with this?" Inquired the young man.

Looking around carefully, the clerk leaned on the counter and said conspiratorially "Look, when you get on the battlefield, hold that stick like a rifle and shout 'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab.' It'll work, trust me."

"You've lost your mind, that will..."

"Look, I'm tellin' ya, just say 'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab', and you're good to go. Trust me."

"I'm doomed." the man thought as he walked away to get on board the transport ship.

The invasion started and the young man was stuck in a hole in the beach watching his comrades die in droves under withering enemy fire. Suddenly an enemy appeared at the top of the hole! Unwilling to die without a fight and without any other option, the young soldier pointed the stick as instructed and shouted "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

The enemy fell over, dead.

Shocked, the soldier peeked out of the hole and saw another enemy close by. "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!" he shouted and watched in amazement as that enemy too fell dead.

"'bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab! bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!" the soldier shouted as he ran up and down the beach, single handedly turning the tide of the battle and eliminating the enemy in all areas.

Finally, he sees one remaining enemy standing far away, motionless. "This will be easy." he thought as he raised his stick and shouted once more "bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

Nothing happened. Then, without warning,the enemy solider started walking slowly towards our hero.

"bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

Again nothing. The enemy is continuing to walk slowly and inexorably towards the solider.

"bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab! bangity bangity bang, stabity stabity stab!"

All the while, nothing happens to the enemy as he draws nearer and nearer, eventually walking right over the young soldier, grinding him into the ground.

As the young man lay dying, he hears the enemy saying "tankity tankity tankity tankity....."

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius --- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. "

ShrekECPI

Mon Jun 20, 2005 3:55 pm

#33

How do you keep a Jedi from camping all the good spawns?

Tell them thatforce Vehicle Controlworks in Deep Space.......

Pistoleer/TKM/MSMG(extinct) - Master Smuggler - Strong in the power of the Farce

- Alliance Soldier
Retired Smuggler's Alliance Master Pilot - Retired Crimson Phoenix Master Pilot - Havok Squad Master Pilot
Squirmy - Heavy Z
NX-1 - Longprobe
Switchblade - ARC 170
Nameless - Vaksai(drydock)
Manta-Ray - Grevious B-22
Xcetera - Heavy X- Wing
Border Runner - A-Wing

Saarek

Mon Jun 20, 2005 4:00 pm

#34

ShrekECPI wrote:

How do you keep a Jedi from camping all the good spawns?

Tell them thatforce Vehicle Controlworks in Deep Space.......

/GROAN;

------
"The Hawtness is my ally, and a powerful ally it is." RIP SAAREK CARVATHOS :: AUG 4, 2005
------
S A A R E K "SIR WANKSALOT" C A R V A T H O S _Starsider. && _Corbantis.
M A S T E R S C O U N D R E L I AM JACK'S IGNORED PROFESSION
C O A L I T I O N O F T H E L O S T S M U G G L E R S .

ShrekECPI

Mon Jun 20, 2005 4:04 pm

#35

Saarek wrote:

ShrekECPI wrote:

How do you keep a Jedi from camping all the good spawns?

Tell them thatforce Vehicle Controlworks in Deep Space.......

/GROAN;

I propose that June 20th be declared as Jedi hate day....

Pistoleer/TKM/MSMG(extinct) - Master Smuggler - Strong in the power of the Farce

- Alliance Soldier
Retired Smuggler's Alliance Master Pilot - Retired Crimson Phoenix Master Pilot - Havok Squad Master Pilot
Squirmy - Heavy Z
NX-1 - Longprobe
Switchblade - ARC 170
Nameless - Vaksai(drydock)
Manta-Ray - Grevious B-22
Xcetera - Heavy X- Wing
Border Runner - A-Wing

Dpjarrett

Mon Jun 20, 2005 5:54 pm

#36

What? No blonde jokes yet? I guess I'll have to get the ball rolling...

When three blondes have a race why does the smartest one always win? Because golden retreivers are fast.

Why was the blonde's skeleton found in the closet? She was the winner of last year's hide and seek contest.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? 1001. One to hold the bulb and 1000 to turn the house.

And for all of the blondes out there...

What's black and blue and lying in a ditch? A brunette who told one too many blonde jokes.

Message Edited by Dpjarrett on 06-21-2005 02:57 AM

Kyyle Pellow
Vehicles k Drugs - By Kyyle
If it doesn't say "By Kyyle" somebody else probably made it.
Coronet, Corellia 752, -5058

Saarek

Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:09 pm

#37

A blonde and a brunette are flying an airplane (the brunette is the pilot, naturally) when suddenly, the plane starts to lose altitude and is going to crash.

The brunette runs to the back and grabs the 2 parachutes they had on board, puts one on and gives the other to the blonde. She puts it on as well.

The brunette runs over to the door, opens it, pushes the blonde out and jumps out herself.

The blone pulls her rip cord and the parachute opens up and she starts to float down to safety

The brunette pulls her rip cord - but nothing happens. She pulls the backup - again nothing. She starts to scream...

She flies past the blonde with the open parachute screaming her head off, when the blonde looks down and says "Oh! So you wanna race!"

*blonde slides off her parachute*

------
"The Hawtness is my ally, and a powerful ally it is." RIP SAAREK CARVATHOS :: AUG 4, 2005
------
S A A R E K "SIR WANKSALOT" C A R V A T H O S _Starsider. && _Corbantis.
M A S T E R S C O U N D R E L I AM JACK'S IGNORED PROFESSION
C O A L I T I O N O F T H E L O S T S M U G G L E R S .

ShrekECPI

Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:17 pm

#38

Saarek wrote:

A blonde and a brunette are flying an airplane (the brunette is the pilot, naturally) when suddenly, the plane starts to lose altitude and is going to crash.

The brunette runs to the back and grabs the 2 parachutes they had on board, puts one on and gives the other to the blonde. She puts it on as well.

The brunette runs over to the door, opens it, pushes the blonde out and jumps out herself.

The blone pulls her rip cord and the parachute opens up and she starts to float down to safety

The brunette pulls her rip cord - but nothing happens. She pulls the backup - again nothing. She starts to scream...

She flies past the blonde with the open parachute screaming her head off, when the blonde looks down and says "Oh! So you wanna race!"

*blonde slides off her parachute*

Three seconds later the brunette actually pulls her rip cord and says to the blonde:

"You win"

Pistoleer/TKM/MSMG(extinct) - Master Smuggler - Strong in the power of the Farce

- Alliance Soldier
Retired Smuggler's Alliance Master Pilot - Retired Crimson Phoenix Master Pilot - Havok Squad Master Pilot
Squirmy - Heavy Z
NX-1 - Longprobe
Switchblade - ARC 170
Nameless - Vaksai(drydock)
Manta-Ray - Grevious B-22
Xcetera - Heavy X- Wing
Border Runner - A-Wing

ShrekECPI

Mon Jun 20, 2005 9:40 pm

#39

Ok, this one happened today.

Right before first shiftwas going to leave, one my saleried co-workers was told to finish a project at home. He had been given too many odd jobs to do during his shift and now he gets to go home and keep working.

So I told him: Hey, you're on salary. All your hours are belong to us.Needless to say the other techs in the room burst out laughing, he gave me a dirtylook and theVP of my deptarmentjust looked at me. His expression was one of: ok, whats so funny?

Pistoleer/TKM/MSMG(extinct) - Master Smuggler - Strong in the power of the Farce

- Alliance Soldier
Retired Smuggler's Alliance Master Pilot - Retired Crimson Phoenix Master Pilot - Havok Squad Master Pilot
Squirmy - Heavy Z
NX-1 - Longprobe
Switchblade - ARC 170
Nameless - Vaksai(drydock)
Manta-Ray - Grevious B-22
Xcetera - Heavy X- Wing
Border Runner - A-Wing

Smuggler Archive

Thread: Since our chosen profession is a joke, I propose that we tell some.....