Smuggler Archive

and an absolutly shameless one /bump

I hope pulling up threads this old doesnt count as necrophilia...anyway.

Last night I had an interesting situation. I am sitting in a cantina letting a doctor send me on a mind bender so I can help an entertainer get some experience. I get a tell,

Asshat: "R U amaster slicer?"

Me: "I am a master smuggler thats as good as it gets mate. What can I do for you?"

Asshat: "RU any good?"

Me: "I am a master smuggler thats as good as it gets mate. What can I do for you?"

Asshat: "2 guns slicing"

Me: *thinks and a partridge in a pear tree* "I am in the coronet cantina. I will happily slice for you."

Asshat: "CUther"

I go about my business tipping dancers making sly comments to friends about some future darwin award winners we can hear in the general chat and so forth.

Asshat: "im here were r u"

So we discuss pricing and try to trade but the lag is so bad we cannot do it. So we go to the back where we complete the trade and I start slicing.

Me: Rifle #1 damage 15%. Sorry bro, thats the luck of the draw.

Asshat: "**edit** u suck"

Me: *growl* Igive him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is teasing. "Rifle #2 speed 19% bad night for slicing I guess. Sorry bro, I tell you what, that first slice is free so the total comes to 1900 credits."

Asshat: "u suck. i knew i shud have gotten a better slicer. I will give u haf that."

and he tips me 1500 credits

I /cough and close the trade window without completing the trade.

He stands there.

I stand there.

a minute passes

I pack up my droid and start to walk away.

He tips me 300 more credits.

Asshat: "U need better materials dude.. thos r the worst slices I have ever seen."

Me: *Opens trade window* "ALL my tools are 99% right now since I have a good source of 1000 conductivity copper. I made them myself. Slicing is random. Not only is slicing random but the quality of the tools has ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on slicing results. I use the best by choice, because I hope that someday it might.

Asshat: *puts 100 more credits in trade window after realizing that I wont click accept until he does*

I accept and give him his guns back.

The moral of the story is, never ever insult the guy that has all your gear and you owe money to. Next asshat that tries this gets to pay 200cr/% and no freebies.

I was at a star port waiting for the shuttle when I get a tell asking me if I can slice some armor.

Me:"Sure, but we have to go quick so I don't miss my shuttle."

Him: "No problem. How much do you charge? The last slicer charged me 2k per piece."

Me:"I charge 100 credits per % increase. If the other smuggler sliced your armor, I can't. You can only slice things once."

Him:"That's not a bad price. I'll pay that."

He trades me all his armor and I take out clamps and AUKs from my factory crates for each piece. I go to slice a piece of armor and I don't get the slice menu.

Me:"I told you that if the armor was already sliced I can't slice it again."

Him: "I know it was already sliced. Can you make it better?"

Me:"I can't slice the armor if it was already sliced."

Him: "The last slice was for effectiveness, can you do encumberance slice?"

Me: "I just told you that I can't."

Him: "Why not?"

Me: "You can only slice things once. These have already been sliced. I can't slice them again."

Him: "If you sliced it, give it back."

Me: "Ok, that will be 15k credits for the entire armor."

Him: "Wow, that was cheaper than the other guy."

Me: (To self) "Yay."

Steerboy,

Funny story, but I would never have tried to open that container. If you'd opened it and nothing had been inside, you'd have been accused of stealing his sliced scout blaster. You were in a no-win situation there.

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Khayden wrote:
Yesterday a guys messages me:

guy:"Hey I want my weapon sliced"
me:"Excellent, I can help you out there"

guy:" I want a good slice!"
me: "I want to give you a good slice, however you have to remember, it's random and I have little control over how it will turn out."

guy:"I want 30% Damage"
me:"Like I said it's random, and I can't choose damage over speed, that is random as well."

guy:"Master Smuggler can."
me:"No, a Master Smuggler will have a chance to get you a higher slice than I can,but he also has a chance to go lower than me."

guy:"Okay, do it for Damage"
me;"Sigh, I can't slice it for damage, it might be speed, as I said before it's random. I can sell you some PowerUps that will increase your Damage by 33% for 100 uses."

guy:" yah yah! Thats good, how long do they last?"
me:"Um, 100 uses."

guy:"Okay slice my weapon and give me 2 PowerUps."
me:"27% speed increase"(ofcourse..it was fate!)

guy:"Awww..I told you damage!, It was already fast!"
me:"Yeah, I got the hint, sorry, told you it was random, here's your weapon"

guy"**edit**! You made it slower!!!"
me:"How so?"

guy:"It used to be 3.8 speed, now it's 2.3"
me:"yeah, umm...would you rather the rifle fire once every 3.8 seconds or once every 2.3 seconds?"

guy"Oh...right, can you slice it for 30% Damage now?"
me: /ignore guy

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OMG, I think the same idiot /tell me too. Said his smuggler friend always got 31% and up slices. Told him he should talk to his friend then, after he told tell me I sucked for about 10 minutes.

Got a good laugh in the starport at Bestine. We are all waiting for the shuttle and there is a Mon Cal next to me wearing a red flightsuit and red hat with white trim. Next thing you know a guy comes up and yells:

"SANTA!"

Then he walks around in front of him as he says....

"I want a BIKE!"

Then he turns and says....

"and a TRAIN!"

This has been a fun thread. Thanks for all of your participation. I find myself reading it from the start whenever I need a giggle. Great stuff here from great people. Our profession is the most fun.

Me: "Want to buy some spice?"

Him: "My mom told me to 'Just say no'."

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Alred wrote:

Me: "Want to buy some spice?"

Him: "My mom told me to 'Just say no'."

---

ROFL!

Here's one from the other day.

I only have slicing 4. I used to be a master smuggler(working on getting it back) so I know the ins and outs of slicing so I don't wear my slicer tag. Wearing my rogue title some jerkoff asks me to slice his armor for him. This is taken from memory so not word for word but very close.

jerkoff: heya can you slice my armor for me?

me: sure can

me: i charge 2000 each item to slice

jerkoff: ok np

we trade

since i wasn't planning on slicing anything i had to make the tools on the spot which took a little while

jerkoff: how's the slicing going? tell me the slices so i know how good you are

me: just a minute, i have to make the tools first

jerkoff: ok cool

jerkoff: can you tell me what each slice is? tell me the percentages and stuff? how's it going?

me: (still crafting 9 clamps) yes I'll tell you once i start slicing, almost done with the tools

bracer 11% effectiveness

jerkoff: lol **edit** you /em slaps me across the face

I'm thinking ok he's probably just messing with me so I continue

bracer 13% effectiveness

jerkoff: /em slaps me across the face again

I'm getting kinda irritated at this point

bicep 11% effectiveness

bicep 17% effectiveness

gloves 15% effectiveness

jerkoff: **edit** you man! this armor was better before you sliced it!

me: I'll keep the armor if you want then

jerkoff: **edit** you keep slicing i'll pay

jerkoff: 18k right?

chest 15% effectiveness

I run out of knives so I made another

helm 23% encumberance

boots 21% encumberance

jerkoff: now you start with the good slices

I put everything in the trade window and wait for him to put in the money for a bit.

jerkoff: you going to accept?

me: you need to pay first

jerkoff: i did i tipped it to you

I scrolled up to check for a tip somewhere in case i missed it, didn't see it.

me: no you didn't

jerkoff: yes i did i lost 18k

jerkoff's friend says: he tipped it i saw him tip it (how the hell do you see someone tip? lol)

I double check for the tip and sure enough there it is mixed in my crafting spam when I made the extra knife

jerkoff's friend says: crillian(they always spell my name wrong) quit ripping people off

me: relax man, the tip was mixed in with all the slicing and crafting spam, i didn't see it

I traded the stuff to him and he /thanked me actually and they ran off

The point of the story is I'm glad that jerk got such horrible slices, he was the worst, rudest customer I've ever had and believe me I've earned millions of credits slicing so i have good experience. My regulars that know I was a master smuggler and i'm working on getting it back can vouch for me that I'm always honest and straight forward with my customers. I remember a number of times where customers would pay me and take off before taking their weapons back and i'd literally follow them across the galaxy to return the weapons or one time i actually cut the wrong wire by accident with a clamp /bonks self, i just paid the cost of the weapon to the guy without even pausing. Honesty is the only way to make a good business so I always am honest. Also being polite and good mannered is a must too if you want to keep customers around. I'm glad this guy got my worst set of slices ever.

Back to the top with you.

Keep em coming ladies and gents.

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE NEED MORE FUNNY STORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

geez this is the greatest thread ever, funniest stuff ive heard in quite some time

/bumparoni

well, this isn't a story about idiots or jerks, but I think its funny.

me and my friend are in the theed med center, I'm telling him about the spices I can make. then some guy sitting on a bed says "@#@@ druggies", so I target him (I wanted to see if he had any badges), but the next thing I see is the spice downer message, followed by "you puke all over him". luckily the next thing he said was "lol".

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WaerbGloofin wrote:

Got a great one for you. Made me howl last night.

I'm in a starport in Kaadara on Naboo, waiting for a transport to take me to Tatooine. There I bump into an aquaintance, Master Doctor Peanut Butter, and we start talking.

Me:Hey Peanut, how's it going?

PB: Not bad, nice to see you.

Me: Just setting up a shop here in Kaadara, you setting up shop here too?

PB: No just visiting for a bit.

Me:The scenery here is really nice. I like Kaadara but I think it will be a little sleepy for business

PB: I like Kaadara too.

Guy from Nowhere: I like Aldaraan.

PB: Aldaraan's a pile of floating rocks buddy.

Guy from Nowhere: WHAT?

Guy from Nowhere: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

By this time the transport has landed and Peanut Butter has boarded. Guy from Nowhere runs up to Ticket Droid, stops for a momentand yells, "OGM my ticket to Aldaraan doesn't work!"

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ROFLMAO!! OMG, that is the funniest thing i've ever read!