Ranger Archive

The Empire is pleased to announce the demise of the notorious rebel Lythender Nirou, who 5 days ago was absolutely cut in half by a stormtrooper. This incident occurred in an Imperial shipyard on the planet Yavin. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi... you're my only hope." just before expiring. Lythender Nirou was reportedly accompanied by a roguish smuggler who fled the scene. To celebrate this important victory, Darth Vader will use the Force to levitate a taun-taun.

The Empire is pleased to announce the eradication of the notorious rebel Aenedor Tru'shot, who 8 days ago was savagely blown to smithereens by a squad of stormtroopers. This incident occurred in an Imperial munitions dump on the planet Alderaan. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Noooooooo, how can this be, they were only CL25?" just before expiring. Aenedor Tru'shot was reportedly accompanied by a large wookie who fled the scene. To celebrate this important victory, the Emperor will torture some people with an interrogation droid.

The Empire is pleased to announce the termination of the notorious rebel RazzerKFG, who 6 days ago was callously shot down in a fighter by a snow stormtrooper. This incident occurred in an Imperial munitions dump on the planet Yavin. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Tell that slime worm ridden piece of filth he'll get no such pleasure from us!" just before expiring. RazzerKFG was reportedly accompanied by a woman with two danishes on the side of her head who fled the scene. To celebrate this important victory, the Emperor will take the Death Star for a pleasure cruise.

The Empire is pleased to announce the extermination of the notorious rebel Talisman, who 9 days ago was callously blown to smithereens by an assassin droid. This incident occurred in a backwater spaceport on the planet Telos. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Yoda lives!" just before expiring. Talisman was reportedly accompanied by a Mon Calamari captain who fled the scene. To celebrate this important victory, the Emperor will declare himself the baddest dude in the galaxy.