Ranger Archive
Thread: The History of Ranger
Since we have a lot of younger rangers these days, and the "which correspondant
submitted the harvesting bug that just got fixed" discussion got me thinking about the
Ranger days of yore. And so, I give you:
The History of Ranger (Slightly embellished)
The Beginning
In the beginning, there was launch. Ten perfect (yet fairly empty) worlds rose up from
the abyss, bringing light to all. From deep within the forests stirred the mightiest of this
new creation, the Scout. Empowered with the ability to pull pets out of their pants in
camps, and smell so bad that creatures avoided them, they flourished in this new world.
Yet, among the ranks of scouts, a new elite class began to emerge. Discovering powerful
new abilities like crawling faster than the dickens and making "big purdy useless things"
these new super scouts soon began to conquer bits and pieces of the worlds. The
mightiest among them, Mineras, gathered them all together, and with their combined
strength, formed the Kingdom of Ranger.
In these early, turbulent days, the Mighty Mineras faced many great challenges from
within and without. Chief among these were the growing threats from rival kingdoms
such as Pistoleerwhipicus, and CarbinIdon'tknowhowtospellit. Sensing the might of
Ranger Kingdom waning, the great Mineras sought out the dread God Greenmarine.
Challenging Greenmarine to an "arm wrasslin contest" Mineras emerged the victor and
forced the god to begin a revamp of all of Rangerdom.
Set to task, Greenmarine soon began blessing the citizens of the Ranger Kingdom with
new, amazing abilities. The ability to stink longer and stronger, to learn how to make
purdy things faster, and to sense foes in disorganized ways were among the abilities
granted. Using these new powers, Rangers began to grow in strength once more. Yet,
sadly, sensing the danger to their creations, the evil gods of Marketing banished
GreenMarine to the dark swamp of "Feature Development" where he lay imprisoned to
this day.
Shortly thereafter, the Mighty Mineras, too, vanished from the world. Driven mad by
denied power, he stripped bare and ran through a spawn of angry Krayts screaming "You
can't see me!" and was quickly devoured.
The Reign of N'Raas
With his passing, his son N'raas rose up to lead the Kingdom of Ranger. Under his rule
he began to gather together the few Rangers not yet eaten alive by Nunas and establish a
new era of prosperity. During this time, the young god Thunderheart took it upon
himself to gather together the rulers of all the kingdoms in an attempt to establish peace
throughout the lands. Through him, he created the great correspondent council, which
was much like the U.N. only with more bickering and even less getting accomplished.
Still, under the governing of the correspondents, a tenuous peace ensued, giving Rangers
time to entrench their kingdom and survive.
Under N'raas the great, Rangers made small advancements, but enough to keep the hopes
alive for a better day when they would rule the galaxy once more. They discovered they
could stink without flora, making the preparation much easier. They also learned to milk
things, alive and dead, though the dark practice of milking dead things was soon
forbidden amongst rangerkind.
The Ranger Kingdom faced new foes too during N'raas's reign. From deep within the
dark swamp of feature development, the god Greenmarine, cursing rangers for his fate,
unleashed the demon mounts and vehicles upon the worlds. These new creations limited
Ranger's trade with other Kingdoms, and forced them into a quiet isolation.
In the end, N'raas passed quietly from the worlds having known only bittersweet success,
but satisfied that Ranger would survive beyond his death. On his death bed, he passed
the crown to a strange young ranger named Calc, whose newfangled ideas N'raas felt
would lead the Rangers to a better future.
King Calc and the Hotpants War
In the early days of his reign, Calc was satisfied in continuing the path laid by his
predecessors. In time, however, he drifted from tradition and began a slow decent into
madness. His first act was to incite a rebellion against the dark gods of marketing,
demanding that Rangers be bequeathed greater powers to harvest. The gods lashed out at
their disobedient servant, and instead imbued the kingdom of Droid Engineer with the
ability to make unholy harvesting machines that could rip the flesh from creature’s bones
better than a ranger could do alone. The mad king Calc won a small victory though, by
tricking the gods into tying droid harvesting to owner skill. This kept the dwindling
ranger kingdom alive, but forever more would Rangers be tied to things of metal.
In his madness, King Calc next incited a war with the Evil Kingdom of Hotpants. Long
had tensions existed between these two kingdoms, but in, ironically, a calculated mistake,
Calc felt he saw a chance for the Rangers to conquer this evil land, and expand the power
of Ranger through war. Long were the battles between the kingdom of Hotpants and
Ranger, with neither side gaining any ground. Eventually, in an attempt to secure
victory, the people of Hotpants began a dark ritual of summoning and unleashed the
mighty Goddess Tiggs upon the earth. Seeking aid, Calc turned to the imprisoned god
Greenmarine and pleaded for help against the hated Hotpants kingdom. His anger with
Rangers long past, Greenmarine listened to Calc's plea. Tricking the Kingdom of
Hotpants with promises of new power, he bestowed upon them a garment they had long
desired, but forced the requirement of "more hide than a rancor butt" to bring it into
existence.
Now forced to rely on their hated enemies, the Kingdom of Hotpants called a truce to the
conflict; but, not before striking one final blow to the Rangers. Utilizing spies deep
within the most elite ranks of the Rangers, The kingdom of Hotpants assassinated King
Calc in his sleep, bringing a swift and sudden end to his mad, turbulent reign. Still, much
good came from his madness. The plight of the Ranger Kingdom was now well known
throughout all the lands, and many friendly kingdoms had formed alliances with the
Rangers. The hope of a brighter day lived on.
The Uncertain Future
Following the death of Calc, a new king assumed the crown. The wizened old advisor
Owen took charge of the Kingdom with the singular goal of completing what Mighty
King Mineras had begun long ago...the dream of power and prosperity for all Ranger
kind. What will the future hold for the once mighty Rangers, born of scouts who could
scoot faster than the dickens? No one knows for sure, but perhaps, at last, Rangers will
soon have the blessings of the Gods fall upon their shoulders once more.
/sticky Ranger insanity pls
Ow.
Message Edited by Calculus_Entropy on 12-07-2004 09:31 PM
Calculus_Entropy wrote:I am not so sure I like getting killed in my sleep.But, the rest of it was right on!Message Edited by Calculus_Entropy on 12-07-2004 09:31 PM
"Utilizing spies deep within the most elite ranks of the Rangers, The kingdom of Hotpants assassinated King
Calc in his sleep, bringing a swift and sudden end to his mad, turbulent reign."
The question is, what spy would have been close enough to kill you in your sleep?
Vorpaks wrote:
Calculus_Entropy wrote:
I am not so sure I like getting killed in my sleep.
But, the rest of it was right on!
Message Edited by Calculus_Entropy on 12-07-2004 09:31 PM
"Utilizing spies deep within the most elite ranks of the Rangers, The kingdom of Hotpants assassinated King
Calc in his sleep, bringing a swift and sudden end to his mad, turbulent reign."
The question is, what spy would have been close enough to kill you in your sleep?
You know, I have a suspect now... But, if I am dead, can I avenge my own death?
Calculus_Entropy wrote:
You know, I have a suspect now... But, if I am dead, can I avenge my own death?
Message Edited by Owen-Lars on 12-08-2004 04:35 PM