Weaponsmith Archive
Thread: TO SOE:
EPISODE 03 - I, ROBOT
Series opening montage and theme song.
If you're looking for me,
You better check under the sea,
'cause that is where you'll find me,
Underneath the sea, lab,
Underneath the water,
Sea lab, at the bottom of the sea.
Sealab 2021 logo. The flipping number 1 makes a mechanical buzzing sound.
Ocean
On the ocean's surface, a ship struggles with an anchor cable in a fierce hurricane. A caption reads "Atlantic Ocean: Sealab Sector, 1815 hours." Two crewmen struggle with the cable controls as they're buffeted by the storm.
Sailor: Get some slack in this line!
The cable leads to an anchor, stuck in the ocean floor near Sealab. The anchor finally pulls free, but collides with Sealab's hull on its way up. The hull cracks, and alarms sound.
Computer: Danger. Leak detected. Danger. Leak detected.
Sealab Bridge
Sparks is watching TV at his console. On the screen, a mustachioed reporter reads the news as a picture of a robot monkey, with a brain sticking out from the top of its head, is shown in the inset.
Reporter: Controversy continued on Monday as surgeons successfully transplanted little Django's brain into a robot monkey body. Scientists now say human-to-robot brain transplants will be possible within ten years. On a sad note, however, Jango died late Tuesday, after drinking his own urine. Oh, wait.. this.. just in...
The monkey picture is changed to a "BREAKING NEWS - Sealab Damaged" graphic. Meanwhile, Sealab's alarms are heard in the background. They get steadily louder.
Uh, Sealab... has sustained major damage, from Hurricane Meryl. Uh, a... collision with a surface ship, apparently... Major leaks, implosion imminent... Rescue... impossible. My God.
Sparks: Say, Skip...
Reporter: They're trapped... down there -
Sparks turns off the news.
Sparks: What do you think about all this robot stuff?
Murphy: Well, good Lord! Are we under attack?
Sparks: No... that robot monkey, on the news.
Murphy: You're kidding. That guy's a robot monkey?
Sparks: ...No. But, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?
Murphy: Why? I like my body. Ha, I love my body.
Sparks: Ah, you'd never get old, or sick -
The doors open, and Marco enters. The alarms are much louder out in the hall.
Marco: Why is the alarm going off?
Sparks: Beats me. But you know, Skip, your robot body would be the perfect man. Handsome, strong -
Computer: Situation critical.
Murphy: Well... could my robot body be a, um, beautiful woman?
Sparks: Uhhh.... yeah, sure.
Murphy: Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body!
Marco: Robot body? No way! That goes against the natural order.
Sparks: Well, you'd have the strength of five men.
Marco: I got that now!
Murphy: Not five men, five gorillas! But, since you're that strong, if you try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it.
Marco: Oh, no! Poor kitty!
Murphy: Yeah.
Marco: Would I still have my rugged Latin features?
Sparks: You'd look exactly the same.
Murphy: Not me. I'm gonna be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
Sparks: Sir, please. (to Marco) You look the same, but you're only five feet tall.
Marco: Five feet! Why so short?
Sparks: Because... that's as big as they come?
The doors open for Debbie. The alarms are pretty loud in the bridge now, even louder outside the doors.
Debbie: Captain! There's a crack in the hull! Pod Seven is flooding!
Sparks' screen shows the crack forming in the hull of Pod Seven.
Murphy: A Barbeau-bot would weld that leak with her laser beam eyes.
Sparks: You won't have laser beam eyes, okay?
Marco: What about... X-ray vision?
Computer: Situation critical.
Sparks: Yeah... You'll have that.
Murphy: Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes, but he gets X-ray vision?
Sparks: Okay. Everybody gets X-ray vision.
Murphy: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!
The doors open for Debbie.
Marco: Can I control -
Murphy: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!
The alarms are really loud now, and everyone has to shout over the din.
Marco: CAN I CONTROL MY X-RAY VISION?
Sparks: SO, YOU CAN LOOK THROUGH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES?
Marco: YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANNA SEE A BUNCH OF BONES, AND GUTS! JUST THE -
A klaxon sounds, bleeping out his last word.
Sparks: WELL, WHY ELSE WOULD YA HAVE IT?
Debbie : OH, GRODY! I'M GONNA HAVE ROBOTS EYEBALLING MY -
The klaxon sounds.
Sparks: NO! YOU'LL HAVE A... DAMMIT, HANG ON!
Sparks hits a button on his console, killing the alarms.
No, you'll have a cloaking device.
Murphy: But you have to choose. X-ray vision, or that... cloak thing.
Debbie: Who needs X-ray vision? They'll beg to show their -
Somehow, the klaxon sounds again.
- to my robot... Oh, wait.
Computer: Pod Seven critical.
A crewman shows up on Sparks' screen.
Crewman: Hello?! We're flooding..!
Murphy: Oh yeah, that. Uh, somebody go find Doctor Quinn.
Everyone stands around, watching Pod Seven flood on the monitor.
...Marco!
Marco: Hm? Oh, oh, yeah! Right!
Marco takes off down the hallway.
Hallway
Computer: Pod Seven critical.
Marco: The strength of five gorillas, and X-ray vision! But why so short?
Sparks: (through a wall speaker) That's as big as they come!
Marco: (tapping a comm panel) I heard you! But I can chew nails, and shoot 'em out as bullets, right?
Sparks: Nails, chains... you won't have titanium teeth for nothing!
Bridge
Murphy: Nails are like candy to robots! And we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie: Guh! No we won't.
Murphy: Maybe you won't.
Computer: Danger. Pod Seven critical.
The crack in the hull is getting worse.
Tank Room
Marco enters. Quinn is here, in his scuba gear.
Marco: Doctor Quinn, there's a major leak in Pod Seven...?
Quinn: Damn! Alright, you seal it off, I'll get my laser pack, and we'll meet -
Marco: Hang on a sec.
Computer: Pod Seven critical.
Marco: Would you put your brain in a robot body?
Quinn: What??
Marco: 'Cause we were talkin' upstairs, you know, just kickin' the ol' peanut around -
Quinn: Man, I don't have time for this!
Computer: Pod Seven critical.
Quinn: Don't you hear that?? Pod Seven's gonna implode!!
Computer: Pod Seven critical.
Quinn leaves. Marco shouts after him.
Marco: We'd have X-ray vision! And the strength of five gorillas!!
The hull breach is getting worse.
Bridge
The crew, minus Quinn, are gathered around Sparks' console. Meanwhile, lots of ominous creaking noises are heard from the hull.
Stormy: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body, and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie: Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Murphy: Yeah, but... Nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie: Mm-mm, dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Stormy: They're gonna hunt me for sport?
Marco: That's why we have to crush mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
Sealab's Exterior
Quinn, in scuba gear, is working on the hull breach with a laser-welding kit.
Quinn: They're yappin' about puttin' their brains in a robot?? (as Stormy) "Hey, what about the leak? Oh, Quinn'll save us! Quinn always saves us!" Stupid rockin-fra, I'll tell -
One of the pods implodes.
Damn!
The scene is zoomed back into the news report from before. The inset shows Sealab minus one pod.
Reporter: Coming up at ten, explosions rip through Sealab. We'll have all the details, plus... Chopper Dave!
Inset now shows the zany Chopper Dave, flying his chopper.
Chopper Dave: HOOOOOOOOOOOO -
Chopper Dave's chopper explodes.
Bridge
The crew - minus Quinn - are watching the news report. A transmission from Hesh cuts in on the screen.
Hesh: Hey. I got a few conditions on this robot thing.
Murphy: Holy crap! Did you see that freaking chopper explode??
Hesh: I'll only put my brain in a -
Computer: Danger.
Hesh: - robot body, if I can put it in a robot cat.
Sparks: Um, okay. But, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Murphy: (to himself) I know I saw that frickin' chopper.
Debbie: Why settle for a cat, Hesh? You could be a robot, mm, tiger.
Marco: No-no-no-no-no-no, no, no, no! ¡Absolutamente, no! If I have to be five-feet-nothing, Hesh can't be a tiger!
Murphy: You're not the boss of tiger-bot Hesh!
Marco: Then he has to live in a robot zoo!
Computer: Danger.
Marco: Hear that, Hesh? The zoo! Hah!
Hesh: Well, then Hesh will stay human!
Sparks: Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars.
Hesh: Yeah? Well, have fun on the robot reservation, suckers! We're not gonna honor those bogus treaties! Hesh, will see you, in He -
Sparks kills the transmission.
Sparks: He's right. They will screw us.
Shots of the crew's troubled expressions as a particularly hideous creak issues from the hull.
Computer: Danger.
Marco: Listen! ...It's time to get serious.
Murphy: Yeah, enough of this talk! Let's... kill the human.
Debbie: You can't break Prime Directive Two!
Marco: So what are they gonna do about it?
Debbie: Let's ask Old Gus. He'll know.
Sealab Exterior
Quinn, grumbling angrily to himself, is still working on the breach.
Computer: Danger.
Another pod implodes.
Quinn: Damn!
Computer: Pod Seven has imploded.
Quinn: We just lost Pod Seven. Bridge, this is Quinn. Come in.
Bridge
The crew are talking to Old Gus via the monitor.
Old Gus: The penalty -
Quinn's transmission cuts in.
Quinn: Come in! Pod Seven's gone! You gotta get everyone outta Pod Six! The -
Sparks: Aw, for the love of...
Sparks cuts off Quinn and brings Gus back up on the screen.
Sorry, Gus.
Old Gus: Ahem. The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite!
End transmission.
Stormy: A thousand years frozen in carbonite?? It'll be so cold!
Rousing choral music starts up in the background.
Murphy: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Stormy: Man, I'd kill myself.
Debbie: Hel-looo? Prime Directive Three!
Murphy: Damn Prime Directives! I just don't know if I wanna live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot... with hard nipples.
Marco: Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell ya, it's a sin in the eyes of the Robot Church.
Murphy: We don't need Rome telling us what to do!
There are some more hideous creaking noises.
Computer: Pod Six critical.
Sparks: Wait! If we're robots, we'll have mechanics! They could shut us down, permanently.
Debbie: No-no-no-no-no-no. Your robot body would go crazy and kill 'em.
Marco: With the strength of five gorillas!
Stormy: And then it's right back to the carbonite.
Murphy: And, there go my nipples again.
On the monitor, Pod Six implodes.
Sparks: And, there goes Pod Six.
Computer: Pod Six has imploded.
Debbie: God, it's so depressing.
Murphy: What? Pod Six was jerks.
Debbie: No, being trapped in carbonite.
Murphy: Oh, yeah, that.
Debbie: (gasp) But what if you get a brain tumor?
Stormy: Yeah, a, a big-ass tumor!!
Sparks: No... your robot body's a brain surgeon.
Murphy: Aw, that's bunk. It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.
Marco: If it can't break the five-foot barrier, it can't be a brain surgeon.
Sparks: Yes, it can. If Hesh can be a giant tiger-bot, what's a little -
Marco: Hesh is gonna stay human. He'll die in the first wave.
Murphy: Unless, he's a tiger-bot already!
Pause. The whole crew looks at Murphy like he's an idiot, as bits of mangled hull drift down past the viewport.
...It could happen.
Sealab Exterior
Quinn is swimming back toward the airlock.
Computer: Danger.
Another pod implodes.
Computer: Dange -
Another pod implodes. Quinn swims into the airlock.
Tank Room
Quinn, looking happy, has lifted his scuba mask.
Quinn: Almost died, but I saved Sealab! Time to get me some props! Hey yo, hey every-bod-day!
Quinn leaves the room, and the scene fades with a wipe and a Superfriends-like sound effect.
Mess Hall
Quinn, Stormy, Debbie, and Marco sit around a table. A bald crewman stands nearby, leaning on the table.
Quinn: So check it out. I know I've only got about, what, 30 seconds before Pod Five goes, right -
Bald Guy: Yeah-yeah-yeah. Hey, will my robot body have hair?
Stormy: Just on your back, like you do now.
Debbie: Gross! But wait, wait... what's with robot sex?
Bald Guy: Yeah, baby!! Knockin' those robot boots!!
Debbie, Marco, and Stormy: Go, robot! Go, robot!
Bald Guy: Yeah!!
Quinn: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey, hey! I almost died savin' your sorry butts!
Stormy: Except for Pods Six and Seven.
Quinn: Shut up! Y'all make me sick! All you ever talk about is robots. "Can they have hair?" "Can they have sex?" The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane!
Debbie: You don't have to bite my head off! I'm just asking.
Stormy: Yeah, who died and made you robot expert?
Quinn: Oh, that's it!! Auugh!!
Quinn stands and opens his wetsuit, and opens a seam in his bare chest, revealing a robot body underneath. Suitable beepy robot sound effects are heard. Everyone gasps in shock.
Debbie: Oh my God!!
Marco: ¡Ay! ¡Madre mía!
Stormy: Jesus, he's a robot!
Quinn: That's right people, I... am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century.
A screen on Quinn's chest scrolls science photos and diagrams to accompany his speech.
So, using my I.Q. of two hundred and sixty - that's two-six-oh! - I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain. And I became this child of science and humanity.
The slideshow ends, and Quinn's chest screen says "fin." Quinn continues giving the speech of his life.
And I'm standing here, naked. But I'm not asking forgiveness, and I don't want your pity!! I just want your understanding, your acceptance. I'm just asking for your... frienshi -
Sealab suddenly implodes, after all.
Mor-Dan wrote:
SquidfaceEbov wrote:I forgot to mention that i am on Flurry. SOE please send Ostrine... HEHE
spawns need to be more rare like this... on every server. people shouldn't have millions of the best resources stocked away, we are just spoiled on what they have given us. Sunrunner went through a drought like this of like 6 mothns or something. those were the best 6 months of the game as far as weapons go on our server. there was truly variety, and non masters actually got a chance to sell something.
I don't quite agree with there should be a drought, but this guy is complaining about the "quality" of this ore, not that there is "none". Now _that_ is something to complain about. On chilastra we had about a 4 month drought of Irolunn gas, this was right around the point where I started to take off as WS and I had only grabbed maybe 40k of the stuff prior to the dry spell. If anything was able to charge more because everyone knew the stuff was impossible to come by.
...i can live with no ostrine spawns on radiant for the next 2 years or so
SquidfaceEbov wrote:I forgot to mention that i am on Flurry. SOE please send Ostrine... HEHE
spawns need to be more rare like this... on every server. people shouldn't have millions of the best resources stocked away, we are just spoiled on what they have given us. Sunrunner went through a drought like this of like 6 mothns or something. those were the best 6 months of the game as far as weapons go on our server. there was truly variety, and non masters actually got a chance to sell something.