Teras Kasi Archive
Thread: arrgh! humor ahoy!
Page 1 of 1
JEAUX_ZUF
Sun Oct 03, 2004 4:32 pm
#1
Part 1: A long-expected party.
The screen is DARK.
[from Moriarty's script review:]
FRODO (V.O.)
When we turn away from the darkness of
our past to take comfort in our peaceful
lives, we sometimes forget how dearly
that peace was bought. But there is
much worth remembering in the darkness...
BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS.
BILBO
My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness!
BILBO switches off lights.
CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy gets his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and
the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst.
FRODO (V.O.)
Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began.
History became legend... legend became
myth. And some things that should not
have been forgotten were lost.
cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING
SLIPPERS..
BILBO
Now where did I put my slippers...
BILBO looks around, there are no slippers
BILBO
Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers!
BILBO wanders off.
CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED.
BILBO
Everyone looks so happy and excited!
FRODO
Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty!
BILBO
Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a
day...
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face.
BILBO
But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the
ring to you.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN
FRODO
I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party!
They DO. They have FUN.
BILBO
I would like to make a speech!
Everyone CHEERS.
BILBO
I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large
number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are!
Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS.
Cut to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair.
GANDALF
I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath.
BILBO
Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring.
BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring.
GANDALF
No! I cannot be allowed to touch it!
GANDALF touches it.
BILBO
I will leave it on this table!
BILBO doesn't.
GANDALF
Leave it on the table!
BILBO does. He leaves.
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO.
GANDALF
Bye, Frodo!
FRODO
Bye, Gandalf!
GANDALF hits head on roof.
GANDALF
Ouch!
GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back.
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo!
FRODO
Hi, Gandalf!
GANDALF
You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil!
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
FRODO
Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich!
GANDALF eats sandwich.
GANDALF
Yes, it is! Here, give it to me!
GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts.
GANDALF
Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now.
GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows.
FRODO
What does it say?
GANDALF
It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:
One thing to fool them all!
One thing to blind them!
One thing to bring them all!
And in the theatre find them!
FRODO
What does it mean?
GANDALF
It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.
FRODO
cool.
[Posted by Radagast]
Part 2: A Shadow of the Past
FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY
FRODO
Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means?
GANDALF
When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo?
FRODO is DOZING OFF
GANDALF
Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen!
GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD
FRODO
Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you.
GANDALF
That's not what I was saying!
FRODO
Of course not!
GANDALF
Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing.
FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)
Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it?
GANDALF
I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery
FRODO INTERRUPTS
I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery?
GANDALF
Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and
mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot...
FADES TO BLACK
OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE
SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN
GANDALF (v.o)
It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although
we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a
terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody
affair, and, on the whole, not much fun.
FRODO (v.o)
Uh, didn't we see this before?
GANDALF (v.o.)
Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show
himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat...
ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER
GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a
HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not
even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem.
GIL-GALAD
Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is
destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his
smiting!
ISILDUR
Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment.
METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN
GIL-GALAD
Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest!
ISILDUR
Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him!
SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER
ISILDUR
Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy?
GIL-GALAD
Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and
look like a kitchen appliance gone wild.
ISILDUR
May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed!
GIL-GALAD
You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth!
SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two,
and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye.
SAURON
Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls!
GIL-GALAD
Nay, you shall eat our steel!
Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is
chopped off his hand.
FADES TO BLACK
CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF
FRODO
Wow! That was cool!
GANDALF
Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I
fear for us all!
FRODO
Um... You still haven't said why!
GANDALF
Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are
all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all
of Middle Earth!
FRODO
That sucks!
GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it
GANDALF
I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I
am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example.
GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and
GANDALF start COUGHING
(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO
Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it?
GANDALF
No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM
LIGHTNING and THUNDER
FRODO
That's odd... it's sunny outside...
GANDALF
Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!!
LIGHTING and THUNDER again
BOTH are SILENT
SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside
GANDALF
What's that sound?
FRODO
Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously
long sandwich?
FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF
FRODO
Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?
[Posted by freaqboy]
GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously large sandwich.
GANDALF
You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it!
FRODO
Aww, do I have to?
GANDALF
Yes, it all started so long ago...
CUT TO SECOND AGE
GANDALF(vo)
When the armies of elf and man made their last stand...
FRODO
This is the third time you've said this!
CUT back to BAG END
GANDALF
I did? Oh...
GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window
and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE!
FRODO
It's Sam Gamgee!
GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK!
FRODO
It's Pippin Took!
GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
FRODO
It's MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST!
FRODO
it's a pot roast!
GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN!
FRODO
It's Dracula!
CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM,
MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain.
GANDALF
So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I?
SAM
Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir!
PIPPIN
There's only three of us...
GANDALF
Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End
here?
MERRY
We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright...
SAM
Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked...
PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent.
GANDALF
Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him!
Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later!
GANDALF takes a rediculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the
way out.
GANDALF
Ouch!
CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table
plotting their escape from Hobbiton...
[Posted by Diamond of Long Creek]
A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION)
And so our four intrepid hobbit-heroes leave Hobbiton and trek across the Shire.
Sam is carrying a heavy load on his head. Pippin is carrying 'The Good Pub Guide to
the Four Farthings'.
PIPPIN
I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing!
FRODO
Pippin, you've got ale on the brain.
MERRY
I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish!
FRODO
Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril.
PIPPIN
You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's
ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat???
FRODO
No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they!
PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror)
Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul?
FRODO
Name them not!
SAM
No, indeed they must not be named!
MERRY
I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about.
FRODO
It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what
they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet.
SAM
I think we did, sir, a few pages back.
FRODO
Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs
Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril.
PIPPIN
Mrs Maggot's passion?
FRODO (darkly)
We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys.
PIPPIN (face brightening)
Oh ... IS she now?
FRODO
Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there.
PIPPIN
Oh yes, I do!
FRODO
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near
Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his
field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me!
SAM (earnestly)
It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam
Gamgee to contend with.
MERRY
Behold, she approaches!
MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse.
MRS MAGGOT (leering)
Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads?
The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other.
FRODO
See what I mean?
SAM
What shall we do, sir?
FRODO
RUN!!!!
They all run away from the lascivious Mrs Maggot, apart from Pippin. Merry runs
back and grabs Pippin.
PIPPIN (pouting)
Ohhhh ... spoilsports!
[Posted by Celebrim]
EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD
FRODO
I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to?
Sound effects of a horse trotting in this direction. All hobbits$^%# (yeah, it was edited so i had to find and remove it ...meh)their heads to
listen.
MERRY
Maybe that’s Gandalf.
Creepy ominous music begins to play. The sounds of the trotting horse become
thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are gunshots. Pippin looks at a small
glass of water and sees waves forming in it.
FRODO: Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise
him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide!
All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire
breathing horse.
NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo
All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The
NAZGUL rides on.
PIPPIN: I wonder what that was.
MERRY: You really don’t want to know.
The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL
EDITION HERE"
EXTERIOR FARMLAND
MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)
Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before.
According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders,
a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight.
SAM
But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out?
PIPPIN
Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy.
MERRY
Well it worked well in the book.
FRODO
Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest.
Where should we make for?
PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and
Associated Areas) Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it
says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree
under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing
westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper."
MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR)
Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn
by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again."
They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward.
EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words
‘RAMADA INN’)
SAM
Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony.
They Enter.
INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN.
BARLIMAN
Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like
some beer while I try to remember?
PIPPIN
Great, I’m parched!
FRODO
Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer.
PIPPIN
Ahhh, but this is New Zealand!
Pippin turns to Barliman.
PIPPIN
We’ll all have beers.
They do.
Merry and Pippin get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. Sam eats an
enormously long sandwich. Frodo sees STRIDER. Strider is wearing a tattered black
cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword,
and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat.
STRIDER
Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be.
FRODO
I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either.
STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)
Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are
queer folk about.
SAM
I resent that remark!
MERRY
But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss!
BREELANDER EXTRA #1
Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings!
STRIDER
Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot!
Frodo takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and
turns and looks at where Frodo last was.
Strider hits his forehead with his palm.
STRIDER
Doh!
Frodo takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider.
FRODO
Did that work?
STRIDER
In a manner of speaking.
Six orcs, five evil looking villains, four trolls, three Nazgul, two Nazi SS, and
Christopher Lee get up and leave the bar. Strider is left with only the hobbits.
STRIDER
Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine.
Everyone pauses with baited breath. Dramatic music plays.
STRIDER
I’m the male romantic lead.
SAM
That depends on your point of view.
FRODO
Really. Why should we take your word for this?
STRIDER
Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that
they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live
with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me
along.
[Posted by Radagast]
SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long
sandwich.
GANDALF (to himself)
Hmmm... I think it's about time to do something heroic, lest the audiance think I am
just an old guy who complains alot.
THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and
GRUNT A LOT.
ORC 1
Uhhh... Ooogggg...
GANDALF
Excuse me, did I hear that correctly?
ORC 2
MMMGGGGG!!!!
GANDALF looks at his watch and sayd
Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now!
GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF
snuffs out fires.
GANDALF (to himself)
Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here
folks, but remember - only you can prevent forest fires!
GANDALF continues walking along the road.
SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is
sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and
horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of
Sauron is standing before him.
MOUTH
Um... Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking?
SAURON
DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?!
MOUTH
Ummm... Yes, good point.
MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone
SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted
portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor.
SAURON (to himself)
I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you... They never told you what
happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am
the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul!
SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene
fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC.
GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGUARD. He seems a bit confused as to
why there are huge gates there.
GANDALF rings the doorbell
A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out.
LITTLE MAN
Nobody sees the great Saruman, no where and no how!
GANDALF
But I am Gandalf!
LITTLE MAN
Sauron's GANDALF! Well, that's a wizard of a different color!
LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGUARD open. GANDALF walks inside.
ISENGUARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of
metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like
a tower of doom in the distance.
LITTLE MAN
You will have to leave your sandwich behind - we don't allow them here.
GANDALF
Wow... This place must be evil or something...
GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing
tie-dyed robes.
SARUMAN
I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will.
They shake hands and walk inside.
SARUMAN'S throne room looks a lot like SAURON's, but there are less skulls,
shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool
evilness.
SARUMAN
Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you.
GANDALF
Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes?
SARUMAN
Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all
sorts of cool colors.
GANDALF
But aren't you Saruman the White?
SARUMAN
SHHHHH!!!! We can't say that! That's politically incorrect! Then they would want a
black wizard! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful!
GANDALF
I liked white better
SARUMAN
Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in
this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that's beside the point. I
brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die.
GANDALF
Isn't that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you.
SARUMAN
Yeah, well, I just don't feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash
your head in?
GANDALF
Was Radagast involved in your little plan?
SARUMAN
Rada-who?
GANDALF
Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be
destroyed! If not, we are all doomed!
SARUMAN
Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our
own Dark Tower and tell people what to do!
GANDALF
That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwichs?
SARUMAN
Of course not!
GANDALF
Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted!
SARUMAN
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
GANDALF
Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Anyway, I will be leaving now
SARUMAN
Oh, I don't think so!
SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF
GANDALF
I see your staff is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it!
MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end, GANDALF
loses and is knocked out.
SARUMAN
Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy
Escapes!!!!
SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are
still looking for Nazgul...
[Posted by locksley]
(Unusual interlude):
(A strange BEING appears on the set; his presence is an enigma. Dressed in a BLUE
COAT and great YELLOW BOOTS, he appears to be quite ANGRY (though ANGER
somehow seems very uncharacteric for the BEING) and is attempting to reach the
STARTLED DIRECTOR.)
"Irrelevant to the story!" he CRIES. "TOM will show YOU irrelevant!"
(A beautiful WOMAN appears, her GOWN GREEN as new leaves. Her presence calms
and comforts the UPSET BEING, and after a few moments, the two of them silently
leave the set.)
Everyone SCRATCHES THEIR HEADS for a few moments, then resume their filming ...
[Posted by Hama]
(Cut to scene on top of Orthanc. Gandalf is wandering about, hands behind him, wolves are howling below. An immense Eagle flies up. Emblazoned on its wings are two huge blue decals, and across each flank are the words 'MANWE AIRLINES'.)
GWAIHIR:
Hi there! I'm Gwaihir, fly me!
GANDALF:
Gwaihir, swiftest of eagles, can you bear me from this place.
GWAIHIR:
What's it worth?
(Gandalf searches his pockets.)
GANDALF:
Half of a ridiculously long sandwich?
GWAIHIR:
You're on.
GANDALF:
Not yet, I'm not!
(Clambers on and holds tight. Gwaihir takes off, and the wolves howl even more)
GWAIHIR:
Why do the wolves howl so?
GANDALF:
No trees in Isengard!
(They fly off to Edoras, which looks remarkably like Helms Deep. Gwaihir leaves Gandalf at the gates. Hama is there. Hama says something incomprehensible in Rohirric, but then holds up a big black board with white lettering on it. The letters say 'WELCOME TO EDORAS, GANDALF!')
GANDALF:
What's with the board?
HAMA:
Subtitles!
(Gandalf nods sagely. At that moment Eowyn flies past wearing only her underwear, quickly pursued by Grima Wormtongue with his arms out stretched. He is the spitting image of Benny Hill. (No relation to Bernard). As he runs past there is a brief snatch of 'The Benny Hill Show' theme music. Both Gandalf and Hama watch this for a moment and then look at each other again.)
HAMA:
So, what can I do for you!
GANDALF:
I need a horse!
HAMA:
Yes, horses, we got lots of that! So how are you going to pay for it!
GANDALF:
I have twenty thousand Gondorian credits.
HAMA:
Credits are no good out here. I need something more valuable.
(Gandalf makes a pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Nevertheless, credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won't!
(Gandalf makes another pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won't! Why do you keep waving your hand about like that? What do you think you are, some kind of Wizard? Mind tricks don't work on me, I'm one of the Rohirrim!
(Directors voice from the back. "Cut the silly dialogue, give him the horse, and get on with it!" Gandalf and Hama shrug at each other. Hama points at a horse, Shadowfax. Gandalf gets on it and rides off north.)
GANDALF:
Hi ho Shadow, away!
[Posted by freaqboy]
CUT TO four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY walking north of bree. Suddenly, they take a step forward and...
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look stunned. FRODO takes a step back and...
CUT TO BREE. Frodo stands there alone. He is stunned. He is suddenly joined by Three HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a stunned looking POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY. They all stand there for a moment, then take a step north.
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look even more stunned.
FRODO
What in the name of Elbereth is the meaning of this?
STRIDER
Umm.. Like, I think it's a clean lift, man. Everything between Bree and Weathertop has been cut out.
FRODO(Bright)
Oh, OK! That makes sense now!
EVERYONE LOOKS RELIEVED.
STRIDER
Now that we're, like, on weathertop, let's like set up camp right at the top within clear sight of everything up to several hundred miles away. They'll never expect it.
STRIDER juts his chin forward and furrows his eyebrows.
EVERYONE
How manly!
CUT TO four HOBBITS and STRIDER sitting around a campfire. In the back, BILL THE PONY is playing cards with the POT ROAST.
BILL THE PONY
Go fish.
suddenly, FOUR NAZGUL step out into the clearing. They look MEAN and SINISTER. OMINOUS, SCARY MUSIC plays.
EVERYONE
I'm frightened!
The NAZGUL step out and with a smooth, fluid motion, all four draw their SWORDS simultaneously, and swirl them in unison. Everyone CLAPS. The NAZGUL go into a spectacular tap-dancing sequence which leaves the HOBBITS on the floor, stunned with the fancy footwork and dancing ability of the terrible foursome. the HOBBITS draw their swords. the NAZGUL approach menacingly and BILL THE PONY wets himself. the LEAD NAZGUL charges and stabs FRODO with a dagger.
FRODO
Ouch!
SAM
We're doomed, MR. Frodo sir! There's no way we can get out of this. We'd need a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a thundering sound like a herd of charging elephants can be heard in the distance.
PIPPIN
What's that?
STRIDER
Dude, I think it's like a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a GREAT SHAPE comes flying out of the forest into the clearing! Sinew and muscle fly in a whirlwind, sending GIANT AXES and ELVEN SWORDS and BILL THE PONY flying towards the Nazgul! Two of the Nazgul, knowing they are beaten, tear off into the woods screaming like little schoolgirls.
NAZGUL #1 and #2
AIEEEEEE!
The WHIRLWIND OF MUSCLE beats off the remaining NAZGUL using PIPPIN TOOK as a bat.
PIPPIN
Ouch!
FINALLY, the new arrival stands still. She is 6'4 and built like a CEMENT TRUCK. Her muscles have muscles. She is wearing a tight LEATHER BIKINI, tastefully done in autumnal colors. She wears a TURBAN.
STRIDER
See, guys, I knew you'd be surprised when you met my girlfriend!
ARWEN(In a think Austrian accent)
Aragorn my love!
the two EMBRACE. the CRACKING OF BONES can be heard. ARAGORn squeals, and Arwen drops him.
ARWEN
Sorry about dat.
ARWEN turns to hobbits.
ARWEN
I am Arwen the Barbarien, warrior princess and evenstar of der Elven people. I wear dis, der colors of autumn, to significify the fading of der proud race of de elven peoples. We is fading fast, but we still help der peoples of middle earth. Sometimes I photocopy my bum.
SAM
THE Arwen the Barbarien?
PIPPIN
The one with beauty unequalled in Middle Earth?
MERRY
The one who is like the evening to her people?
FRODO
The one who bare-handedly kills dragons?
MERRY
Which ones?
FRODO
All of them.
ARWEN
Der same. And now, along with Strider my eternal love, we must escape into der woods before der dark riders come back.
ARWEN looks at FRODO.
ARWEN
You're hurt! Here, ride my horse!
ARWEN bellows into the woods. A grey horse runs out. FRODO climbs onto the HORSE. the HORSE climbs onto ARWEN. They run off into the woods. STRIDER, the HOBBITS, BILL THE PONY and the POT ROAST follow...
[Posted by Whistler]
(Scene suddenly changes to a psychiatrist's office. Frodo is on the couch.)
FRODO:
Doctor, I have these terrible feelings of inadequacy. I've been trying to get in touch with my inner child, but other peoples' inner children keep threatening to beat me up and take my lunch money. I have these terrible headaches, and I'm nauseous all the time, and I think I have a fever blister coming. I've never been able to establish a healthy relationship with any woman other than my mother, who heaps this terrible guilt on my head because I didn't fulfill her dream of my becoming either a rabbi or the originator of a really great recipe for tuna casserole. I have this terrible fear of being sexually unattractive to women. I think about death all the time, and I wonder if life is just a meaningless void of horror and despair, like an evening at the Ice Capades.
PSYCHIATRIST:
I see.
FRODO:
Well, I don't! What am I talking about? This dialogue doesn't seem right for the story. And where am I?
PSYCHIATRIST:
New York, of course. It's the best place to be Jewish, neurotic, miserable and sexually frustrated.
FRODO:
I'm none of those things! Why are we interrupting the story? Where's the director? Where's PJ?
PSYCHIATRIST:
He's getting a root canal. Woody Allen is filling in.
FRODO:
Well, he's all wrong for this story! And I don't have time for analysis!
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, then! You don't feel inadequate?
FRODO:
Of course I do! I'm the ringbearer, for cryin' out loud! Who wouldn't be inadequate?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Tell me about your feelings. Let's do inadequacy first, then take the others alphabetically.
FRODO:
Do I have to keep wearing these glasses? The frames are just awful.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Whatever.
FRODO:
Well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, which in fact it is. And sometimes...hey! Are we in black and white?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Yes. Very artsy. You'll also notice, if you look around, that the room is filled with Freudian symbols, Art Deco and references to Ingmar Bergman. This is comedy, but it's comedy for really smart people. You watch it, then you discuss it over espresso.
FRODO:
That's too pretentious! As Liv says, it's just a movie.
PSYCHIATRIST:
It's not a movie! It's a film.
FRODO:
It was a movie when we started. And it wasn't an intellectual comedy. It was a fantasy.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, fantasies! Yes, tell me about your fantasies. Don't be embarrassed.
FRODO:
Are you referring to Sam? Well, that's a load of Balrog droppings, pal! Darn that Ted Sandyman, shooting off his mouth! I'm outa here!
(Frodo storms out)
DIRECTOR:
Cut! That's a wrap. Add a little Dixieland jazz, it'll be okay. Where's my wife? Gee, I hope she didn't miss the school bus!
(Scene changes suddenly to whatever it should have been in the first place.
The screen is DARK.
[from Moriarty's script review:]
FRODO (V.O.)
When we turn away from the darkness of
our past to take comfort in our peaceful
lives, we sometimes forget how dearly
that peace was bought. But there is
much worth remembering in the darkness...
BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS.
BILBO
My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness!
BILBO switches off lights.
CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy gets his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and
the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst.
FRODO (V.O.)
Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began.
History became legend... legend became
myth. And some things that should not
have been forgotten were lost.
cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING
SLIPPERS..
BILBO
Now where did I put my slippers...
BILBO looks around, there are no slippers
BILBO
Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers!
BILBO wanders off.
CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED.
BILBO
Everyone looks so happy and excited!
FRODO
Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty!
BILBO
Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a
day...
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face.
BILBO
But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the
ring to you.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN
FRODO
I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party!
They DO. They have FUN.
BILBO
I would like to make a speech!
Everyone CHEERS.
BILBO
I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large
number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are!
Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS.
Cut to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair.
GANDALF
I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath.
BILBO
Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring.
BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring.
GANDALF
No! I cannot be allowed to touch it!
GANDALF touches it.
BILBO
I will leave it on this table!
BILBO doesn't.
GANDALF
Leave it on the table!
BILBO does. He leaves.
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO.
GANDALF
Bye, Frodo!
FRODO
Bye, Gandalf!
GANDALF hits head on roof.
GANDALF
Ouch!
GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back.
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo!
FRODO
Hi, Gandalf!
GANDALF
You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil!
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
FRODO
Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich!
GANDALF eats sandwich.
GANDALF
Yes, it is! Here, give it to me!
GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts.
GANDALF
Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now.
GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows.
FRODO
What does it say?
GANDALF
It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:
One thing to fool them all!
One thing to blind them!
One thing to bring them all!
And in the theatre find them!
FRODO
What does it mean?
GANDALF
It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.
FRODO
cool.
[Posted by Radagast]
Part 2: A Shadow of the Past
FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY
FRODO
Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means?
GANDALF
When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo?
FRODO is DOZING OFF
GANDALF
Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen!
GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD
FRODO
Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you.
GANDALF
That's not what I was saying!
FRODO
Of course not!
GANDALF
Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing.
FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)
Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it?
GANDALF
I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery
FRODO INTERRUPTS
I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery?
GANDALF
Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and
mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot...
FADES TO BLACK
OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE
SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN
GANDALF (v.o)
It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although
we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a
terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody
affair, and, on the whole, not much fun.
FRODO (v.o)
Uh, didn't we see this before?
GANDALF (v.o.)
Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show
himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat...
ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER
GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a
HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not
even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem.
GIL-GALAD
Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is
destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his
smiting!
ISILDUR
Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment.
METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN
GIL-GALAD
Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest!
ISILDUR
Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him!
SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER
ISILDUR
Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy?
GIL-GALAD
Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and
look like a kitchen appliance gone wild.
ISILDUR
May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed!
GIL-GALAD
You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth!
SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two,
and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye.
SAURON
Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls!
GIL-GALAD
Nay, you shall eat our steel!
Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is
chopped off his hand.
FADES TO BLACK
CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF
FRODO
Wow! That was cool!
GANDALF
Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I
fear for us all!
FRODO
Um... You still haven't said why!
GANDALF
Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are
all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all
of Middle Earth!
FRODO
That sucks!
GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it
GANDALF
I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I
am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example.
GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and
GANDALF start COUGHING
(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO
Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it?
GANDALF
No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM
LIGHTNING and THUNDER
FRODO
That's odd... it's sunny outside...
GANDALF
Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!!
LIGHTING and THUNDER again
BOTH are SILENT
SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside
GANDALF
What's that sound?
FRODO
Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously
long sandwich?
FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF
FRODO
Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?
[Posted by freaqboy]
GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously large sandwich.
GANDALF
You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it!
FRODO
Aww, do I have to?
GANDALF
Yes, it all started so long ago...
CUT TO SECOND AGE
GANDALF(vo)
When the armies of elf and man made their last stand...
FRODO
This is the third time you've said this!
CUT back to BAG END
GANDALF
I did? Oh...
GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window
and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE!
FRODO
It's Sam Gamgee!
GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK!
FRODO
It's Pippin Took!
GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
FRODO
It's MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST!
FRODO
it's a pot roast!
GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN!
FRODO
It's Dracula!
CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM,
MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain.
GANDALF
So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I?
SAM
Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir!
PIPPIN
There's only three of us...
GANDALF
Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End
here?
MERRY
We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright...
SAM
Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked...
PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent.
GANDALF
Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him!
Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later!
GANDALF takes a rediculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the
way out.
GANDALF
Ouch!
CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table
plotting their escape from Hobbiton...
[Posted by Diamond of Long Creek]
A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION)
And so our four intrepid hobbit-heroes leave Hobbiton and trek across the Shire.
Sam is carrying a heavy load on his head. Pippin is carrying 'The Good Pub Guide to
the Four Farthings'.
PIPPIN
I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing!
FRODO
Pippin, you've got ale on the brain.
MERRY
I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish!
FRODO
Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril.
PIPPIN
You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's
ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat???
FRODO
No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they!
PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror)
Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul?
FRODO
Name them not!
SAM
No, indeed they must not be named!
MERRY
I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about.
FRODO
It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what
they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet.
SAM
I think we did, sir, a few pages back.
FRODO
Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs
Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril.
PIPPIN
Mrs Maggot's passion?
FRODO (darkly)
We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys.
PIPPIN (face brightening)
Oh ... IS she now?
FRODO
Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there.
PIPPIN
Oh yes, I do!
FRODO
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near
Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his
field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me!
SAM (earnestly)
It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam
Gamgee to contend with.
MERRY
Behold, she approaches!
MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse.
MRS MAGGOT (leering)
Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads?
The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other.
FRODO
See what I mean?
SAM
What shall we do, sir?
FRODO
RUN!!!!
They all run away from the lascivious Mrs Maggot, apart from Pippin. Merry runs
back and grabs Pippin.
PIPPIN (pouting)
Ohhhh ... spoilsports!
[Posted by Celebrim]
EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD
FRODO
I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to?
Sound effects of a horse trotting in this direction. All hobbits$^%# (yeah, it was edited so i had to find and remove it ...meh)their heads to
listen.
MERRY
Maybe that’s Gandalf.
Creepy ominous music begins to play. The sounds of the trotting horse become
thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are gunshots. Pippin looks at a small
glass of water and sees waves forming in it.
FRODO: Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise
him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide!
All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire
breathing horse.
NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo
All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The
NAZGUL rides on.
PIPPIN: I wonder what that was.
MERRY: You really don’t want to know.
The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL
EDITION HERE"
EXTERIOR FARMLAND
MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)
Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before.
According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders,
a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight.
SAM
But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out?
PIPPIN
Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy.
MERRY
Well it worked well in the book.
FRODO
Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest.
Where should we make for?
PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and
Associated Areas) Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it
says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree
under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing
westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper."
MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR)
Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn
by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again."
They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward.
EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words
‘RAMADA INN’)
SAM
Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony.
They Enter.
INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN.
BARLIMAN
Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like
some beer while I try to remember?
PIPPIN
Great, I’m parched!
FRODO
Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer.
PIPPIN
Ahhh, but this is New Zealand!
Pippin turns to Barliman.
PIPPIN
We’ll all have beers.
They do.
Merry and Pippin get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. Sam eats an
enormously long sandwich. Frodo sees STRIDER. Strider is wearing a tattered black
cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword,
and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat.
STRIDER
Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be.
FRODO
I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either.
STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)
Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are
queer folk about.
SAM
I resent that remark!
MERRY
But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss!
BREELANDER EXTRA #1
Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings!
STRIDER
Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot!
Frodo takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and
turns and looks at where Frodo last was.
Strider hits his forehead with his palm.
STRIDER
Doh!
Frodo takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider.
FRODO
Did that work?
STRIDER
In a manner of speaking.
Six orcs, five evil looking villains, four trolls, three Nazgul, two Nazi SS, and
Christopher Lee get up and leave the bar. Strider is left with only the hobbits.
STRIDER
Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine.
Everyone pauses with baited breath. Dramatic music plays.
STRIDER
I’m the male romantic lead.
SAM
That depends on your point of view.
FRODO
Really. Why should we take your word for this?
STRIDER
Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that
they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live
with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me
along.
[Posted by Radagast]
SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long
sandwich.
GANDALF (to himself)
Hmmm... I think it's about time to do something heroic, lest the audiance think I am
just an old guy who complains alot.
THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and
GRUNT A LOT.
ORC 1
Uhhh... Ooogggg...
GANDALF
Excuse me, did I hear that correctly?
ORC 2
MMMGGGGG!!!!
GANDALF looks at his watch and sayd
Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now!
GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF
snuffs out fires.
GANDALF (to himself)
Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here
folks, but remember - only you can prevent forest fires!
GANDALF continues walking along the road.
SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is
sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and
horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of
Sauron is standing before him.
MOUTH
Um... Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking?
SAURON
DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?!
MOUTH
Ummm... Yes, good point.
MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone
SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted
portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor.
SAURON (to himself)
I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you... They never told you what
happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am
the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul!
SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene
fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC.
GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGUARD. He seems a bit confused as to
why there are huge gates there.
GANDALF rings the doorbell
A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out.
LITTLE MAN
Nobody sees the great Saruman, no where and no how!
GANDALF
But I am Gandalf!
LITTLE MAN
Sauron's GANDALF! Well, that's a wizard of a different color!
LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGUARD open. GANDALF walks inside.
ISENGUARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of
metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like
a tower of doom in the distance.
LITTLE MAN
You will have to leave your sandwich behind - we don't allow them here.
GANDALF
Wow... This place must be evil or something...
GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing
tie-dyed robes.
SARUMAN
I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will.
They shake hands and walk inside.
SARUMAN'S throne room looks a lot like SAURON's, but there are less skulls,
shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool
evilness.
SARUMAN
Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you.
GANDALF
Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes?
SARUMAN
Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all
sorts of cool colors.
GANDALF
But aren't you Saruman the White?
SARUMAN
SHHHHH!!!! We can't say that! That's politically incorrect! Then they would want a
black wizard! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful!
GANDALF
I liked white better
SARUMAN
Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in
this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that's beside the point. I
brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die.
GANDALF
Isn't that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you.
SARUMAN
Yeah, well, I just don't feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash
your head in?
GANDALF
Was Radagast involved in your little plan?
SARUMAN
Rada-who?
GANDALF
Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be
destroyed! If not, we are all doomed!
SARUMAN
Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our
own Dark Tower and tell people what to do!
GANDALF
That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwichs?
SARUMAN
Of course not!
GANDALF
Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted!
SARUMAN
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
GANDALF
Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Anyway, I will be leaving now
SARUMAN
Oh, I don't think so!
SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF
GANDALF
I see your staff is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it!
MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end, GANDALF
loses and is knocked out.
SARUMAN
Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy
Escapes!!!!
SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are
still looking for Nazgul...
[Posted by locksley]
(Unusual interlude):
(A strange BEING appears on the set; his presence is an enigma. Dressed in a BLUE
COAT and great YELLOW BOOTS, he appears to be quite ANGRY (though ANGER
somehow seems very uncharacteric for the BEING) and is attempting to reach the
STARTLED DIRECTOR.)
"Irrelevant to the story!" he CRIES. "TOM will show YOU irrelevant!"
(A beautiful WOMAN appears, her GOWN GREEN as new leaves. Her presence calms
and comforts the UPSET BEING, and after a few moments, the two of them silently
leave the set.)
Everyone SCRATCHES THEIR HEADS for a few moments, then resume their filming ...
[Posted by Hama]
(Cut to scene on top of Orthanc. Gandalf is wandering about, hands behind him, wolves are howling below. An immense Eagle flies up. Emblazoned on its wings are two huge blue decals, and across each flank are the words 'MANWE AIRLINES'.)
GWAIHIR:
Hi there! I'm Gwaihir, fly me!
GANDALF:
Gwaihir, swiftest of eagles, can you bear me from this place.
GWAIHIR:
What's it worth?
(Gandalf searches his pockets.)
GANDALF:
Half of a ridiculously long sandwich?
GWAIHIR:
You're on.
GANDALF:
Not yet, I'm not!
(Clambers on and holds tight. Gwaihir takes off, and the wolves howl even more)
GWAIHIR:
Why do the wolves howl so?
GANDALF:
No trees in Isengard!
(They fly off to Edoras, which looks remarkably like Helms Deep. Gwaihir leaves Gandalf at the gates. Hama is there. Hama says something incomprehensible in Rohirric, but then holds up a big black board with white lettering on it. The letters say 'WELCOME TO EDORAS, GANDALF!')
GANDALF:
What's with the board?
HAMA:
Subtitles!
(Gandalf nods sagely. At that moment Eowyn flies past wearing only her underwear, quickly pursued by Grima Wormtongue with his arms out stretched. He is the spitting image of Benny Hill. (No relation to Bernard). As he runs past there is a brief snatch of 'The Benny Hill Show' theme music. Both Gandalf and Hama watch this for a moment and then look at each other again.)
HAMA:
So, what can I do for you!
GANDALF:
I need a horse!
HAMA:
Yes, horses, we got lots of that! So how are you going to pay for it!
GANDALF:
I have twenty thousand Gondorian credits.
HAMA:
Credits are no good out here. I need something more valuable.
(Gandalf makes a pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Nevertheless, credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won't!
(Gandalf makes another pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won't! Why do you keep waving your hand about like that? What do you think you are, some kind of Wizard? Mind tricks don't work on me, I'm one of the Rohirrim!
(Directors voice from the back. "Cut the silly dialogue, give him the horse, and get on with it!" Gandalf and Hama shrug at each other. Hama points at a horse, Shadowfax. Gandalf gets on it and rides off north.)
GANDALF:
Hi ho Shadow, away!
[Posted by freaqboy]
CUT TO four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY walking north of bree. Suddenly, they take a step forward and...
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look stunned. FRODO takes a step back and...
CUT TO BREE. Frodo stands there alone. He is stunned. He is suddenly joined by Three HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a stunned looking POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY. They all stand there for a moment, then take a step north.
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look even more stunned.
FRODO
What in the name of Elbereth is the meaning of this?
STRIDER
Umm.. Like, I think it's a clean lift, man. Everything between Bree and Weathertop has been cut out.
FRODO(Bright)
Oh, OK! That makes sense now!
EVERYONE LOOKS RELIEVED.
STRIDER
Now that we're, like, on weathertop, let's like set up camp right at the top within clear sight of everything up to several hundred miles away. They'll never expect it.
STRIDER juts his chin forward and furrows his eyebrows.
EVERYONE
How manly!
CUT TO four HOBBITS and STRIDER sitting around a campfire. In the back, BILL THE PONY is playing cards with the POT ROAST.
BILL THE PONY
Go fish.
suddenly, FOUR NAZGUL step out into the clearing. They look MEAN and SINISTER. OMINOUS, SCARY MUSIC plays.
EVERYONE
I'm frightened!
The NAZGUL step out and with a smooth, fluid motion, all four draw their SWORDS simultaneously, and swirl them in unison. Everyone CLAPS. The NAZGUL go into a spectacular tap-dancing sequence which leaves the HOBBITS on the floor, stunned with the fancy footwork and dancing ability of the terrible foursome. the HOBBITS draw their swords. the NAZGUL approach menacingly and BILL THE PONY wets himself. the LEAD NAZGUL charges and stabs FRODO with a dagger.
FRODO
Ouch!
SAM
We're doomed, MR. Frodo sir! There's no way we can get out of this. We'd need a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a thundering sound like a herd of charging elephants can be heard in the distance.
PIPPIN
What's that?
STRIDER
Dude, I think it's like a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a GREAT SHAPE comes flying out of the forest into the clearing! Sinew and muscle fly in a whirlwind, sending GIANT AXES and ELVEN SWORDS and BILL THE PONY flying towards the Nazgul! Two of the Nazgul, knowing they are beaten, tear off into the woods screaming like little schoolgirls.
NAZGUL #1 and #2
AIEEEEEE!
The WHIRLWIND OF MUSCLE beats off the remaining NAZGUL using PIPPIN TOOK as a bat.
PIPPIN
Ouch!
FINALLY, the new arrival stands still. She is 6'4 and built like a CEMENT TRUCK. Her muscles have muscles. She is wearing a tight LEATHER BIKINI, tastefully done in autumnal colors. She wears a TURBAN.
STRIDER
See, guys, I knew you'd be surprised when you met my girlfriend!
ARWEN(In a think Austrian accent)
Aragorn my love!
the two EMBRACE. the CRACKING OF BONES can be heard. ARAGORn squeals, and Arwen drops him.
ARWEN
Sorry about dat.
ARWEN turns to hobbits.
ARWEN
I am Arwen the Barbarien, warrior princess and evenstar of der Elven people. I wear dis, der colors of autumn, to significify the fading of der proud race of de elven peoples. We is fading fast, but we still help der peoples of middle earth. Sometimes I photocopy my bum.
SAM
THE Arwen the Barbarien?
PIPPIN
The one with beauty unequalled in Middle Earth?
MERRY
The one who is like the evening to her people?
FRODO
The one who bare-handedly kills dragons?
MERRY
Which ones?
FRODO
All of them.
ARWEN
Der same. And now, along with Strider my eternal love, we must escape into der woods before der dark riders come back.
ARWEN looks at FRODO.
ARWEN
You're hurt! Here, ride my horse!
ARWEN bellows into the woods. A grey horse runs out. FRODO climbs onto the HORSE. the HORSE climbs onto ARWEN. They run off into the woods. STRIDER, the HOBBITS, BILL THE PONY and the POT ROAST follow...
[Posted by Whistler]
(Scene suddenly changes to a psychiatrist's office. Frodo is on the couch.)
FRODO:
Doctor, I have these terrible feelings of inadequacy. I've been trying to get in touch with my inner child, but other peoples' inner children keep threatening to beat me up and take my lunch money. I have these terrible headaches, and I'm nauseous all the time, and I think I have a fever blister coming. I've never been able to establish a healthy relationship with any woman other than my mother, who heaps this terrible guilt on my head because I didn't fulfill her dream of my becoming either a rabbi or the originator of a really great recipe for tuna casserole. I have this terrible fear of being sexually unattractive to women. I think about death all the time, and I wonder if life is just a meaningless void of horror and despair, like an evening at the Ice Capades.
PSYCHIATRIST:
I see.
FRODO:
Well, I don't! What am I talking about? This dialogue doesn't seem right for the story. And where am I?
PSYCHIATRIST:
New York, of course. It's the best place to be Jewish, neurotic, miserable and sexually frustrated.
FRODO:
I'm none of those things! Why are we interrupting the story? Where's the director? Where's PJ?
PSYCHIATRIST:
He's getting a root canal. Woody Allen is filling in.
FRODO:
Well, he's all wrong for this story! And I don't have time for analysis!
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, then! You don't feel inadequate?
FRODO:
Of course I do! I'm the ringbearer, for cryin' out loud! Who wouldn't be inadequate?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Tell me about your feelings. Let's do inadequacy first, then take the others alphabetically.
FRODO:
Do I have to keep wearing these glasses? The frames are just awful.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Whatever.
FRODO:
Well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, which in fact it is. And sometimes...hey! Are we in black and white?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Yes. Very artsy. You'll also notice, if you look around, that the room is filled with Freudian symbols, Art Deco and references to Ingmar Bergman. This is comedy, but it's comedy for really smart people. You watch it, then you discuss it over espresso.
FRODO:
That's too pretentious! As Liv says, it's just a movie.
PSYCHIATRIST:
It's not a movie! It's a film.
FRODO:
It was a movie when we started. And it wasn't an intellectual comedy. It was a fantasy.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, fantasies! Yes, tell me about your fantasies. Don't be embarrassed.
FRODO:
Are you referring to Sam? Well, that's a load of Balrog droppings, pal! Darn that Ted Sandyman, shooting off his mouth! I'm outa here!
(Frodo storms out)
DIRECTOR:
Cut! That's a wrap. Add a little Dixieland jazz, it'll be okay. Where's my wife? Gee, I hope she didn't miss the school bus!
(Scene changes suddenly to whatever it should have been in the first place.
Sovi-FFO
Sun Oct 03, 2004 5:25 pm
#2
Was it necessary to make the text huge so the story seems even longer? 
Too tired to read.
DarkTrout
Sun Oct 03, 2004 10:30 pm
#5
I just finished it all and it's only 12:32am. It was freaking hilarious!
Maybe you just need to start earlier, it is fairly long after all.
Now I think I'll go make myself a rediculously long sandwich!
Maybe you just need to start earlier, it is fairly long after all.
Now I think I'll go make myself a rediculously long sandwich!
KOBALDONWANDERHOME
Tue Oct 05, 2004 3:34 pm
#9
Sovi-FFO wrote:
Its Dub-yah tee eff thank ya very much
yea sorry lol, thats usually how i do it, kinda tired when i did that lol 
dubya tee eff, m8?
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