Smuggler Archive

Thousands of years ago before the dawn ofman as we knewhim there lived SirSanta Of Sonik, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino bones in his own waste, hurling them at chimp like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they had behaved the previous year. The so-called toys were buried as witches and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the screams of the children. It wasn't a Holly-Jolly-Christmas that year... for many .... were killed.

A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Tatooine, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Sonik Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train", but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.