Smuggler Archive
Thread: A fable
Page 1 of 2
maxtheusher
Wed Jun 29, 2005 4:39 pm
#1
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
zakalex
Wed Jun 29, 2005 4:47 pm
#4
Good News Everyone! This is probably the longest single post I've seen in a while. I was consideing being a Totally Evil Bastage(tm)by quoting Kecks entire post just to add my two credits.
maxtheusher
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:04 pm
#5
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
zakalex
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:07 pm
#6
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
maxtheusher
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:10 pm
#7
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:14 pm
#8
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
ShrekECPI
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:24 pm
#9
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
A bit excessive don't you think?
- Alliance Soldier
maxtheusher
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:27 pm
#10
ShrekECPI wrote:
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
A bit excessive don't you think?
I wonder if this is bad for the server?
zakalex
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:35 pm
#11
maxtheusher wrote:
ShrekECPI wrote:
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
A bit excessive don't you think?
I wonder if this is bad for the server?
It can't be much worse then the jedi who come in here and say stuff like "All Smuggler skills and specials belong in the master box" and then get flamed on by the Smuggler Horde. 
maxtheusher
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:38 pm
#12
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
ShrekECPI wrote:
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
A bit excessive don't you think?
I wonder if this is bad for the server?
It can't be much worse then the jedi who come in here and say stuff like "All Smuggler skills and specials belong in the master box" and then get flamed on by the Smuggler Horde.
Hm, when exactly does it go to the next page?
Sirisandir
Wed Jun 29, 2005 5:38 pm
#13
qfe
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
ShrekECPI wrote:
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
zakalex wrote:
Good News Everyone! This thread is about to go critical and be pushed to page two I think.
maxtheusher wrote:
zakalex wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
maxtheusher wrote:
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Scene: Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with Bender.]
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]
Man: $10 please.
Fry: Aw man!
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks in a booming voice.]
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle.]
Leela: Aww!
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Bender: Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. [Robots bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post.] You should try it out Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Scene: Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots stand.]
Farnsworth: Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that. I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Werrrnstrom!
[They start to "fight."]
Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom's Killbot: C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Scene: Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Scene: Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech. Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
Bender: The secret is to scratch 'em really really hard!
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
Announcer: And now, the women who Mom-opolises the robot industry...
Fry: (shouting) I get it!
Announcer: ...Mom!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage.]
Fry: (shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
Mom: Hello dearies.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? [Walt, Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke.] I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
Larry: Ow!
[Larry elbows Igner.]
Igner: Ow! Oh!
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it.]
Bender: Neat!
[He takes a photo.]
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them.]
Bender: Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby! I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves his fist.]
Teenbot: Jerk!
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Bender: Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the line Mom!
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now lets see how both robots do at a typical household task. Sorting a jar of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot 1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Mom: Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. [He sniggers.] Suckers.
Mom: Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers.]
[Scene: Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
Bender: That new robot is great huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it.]
Bender: (hoarse) Eep!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Bender: Hey I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! [He stands up and picks up Nibbler.] C'mere Nibbler!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Farnsworth: Oh look Bender if you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
[Hermes is holding something.]
Hermes: Here, go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Bender screams.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Bender: Get outta here freshman, I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Bender: Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in a dustbin.]
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch some TV.
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin.]
Leela: Why can't you accept his help.
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars kit.
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
Bender: I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: (whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't.]
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
[Bender gasps.]
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade.
Farnsworth: Yes for God sakes, yes!
Bender: (crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching TV.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Roberto: Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! [He starts stabbing the air with his fist.] Haha! Ha! Haha!
Bender: Yeah, right on nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. [A piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face.] Death to the 1-X robots! [The upgrader throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then suddenly stops. The thing around his face comes away.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. [He is placed on the upgrade machine. The upgrader resets it.] You took away his robo-humanity! [The upgrader throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded.] I changed my mind!
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Scene: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? [The seagull squawks.] I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. [He cries and walks over to a Boating Prohibited sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank.] And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon, take pitty on this mechanical mariner. [He sails towards the ocean. There's a storm a brewin'.] Oh jeez!
[Scene: The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
Bender: (shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]
Bender: Boy, what is this deal with the ocean? A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. [He strolls across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him.] There. Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Scene: Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a foghorn. The light goes out.]
Bender: Oop, low on power! [He chuckles.] Better fuel up! [The bottle is empty.] Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Scene: Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle. He digs a hole.]
Bender: Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing. The boar growls.]
Bender: Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
[Scene: Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
Bender: Beer! [He throws the rock off him. But the beer was a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him.] Ow!
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut drops on his head.]
Bender: Ow!
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the middle of her body.]
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: (mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice) We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here - [He takes the catridge out, flips it over and puts it back in.] (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal voice) - to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Waterbot: What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep filling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. [Her wheel runs dry and she panics.] (screaming) Oh God, I'll never make it this time! This is the end! [She runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out.] (talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Yeah but you have a choice. [He turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K.] What's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough...uh...
[He scratches his head.]
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
Waterbot: (screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live! [She leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group.] (talking) If you like, you're welcome to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what buzzwords are in?
Sinclair: Why watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Bender: Oh man he's never gonna make it over that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Waterbot: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Lets party! [He takes a CD out of his mouth and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He dances.] Yeah baby c'mon!
Waterbot: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never even thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby! Do that thang!
Waterbot: CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Bender: Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. [He empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them.] Take that Beethoven you deaf bast*rd!
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bender: Bang bang bang. You sure got this life thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Waterbot: Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside.]
Bender: Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w - [He turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay.] You-! [He kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter.] Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: But Bender you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Bender: Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. [He turns around to his friends.] But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
Bender [from hut]: Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
Waterbot [from hut]: The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Bender: Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs.]
Waterbot: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
Cartridge Unit: What?!
[Scene: Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]
Bender [from submarine]: Row comrades, row!
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Waterbot: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through it and gasps.]
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Waterbot: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Scene: Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb out through the top.]
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it. It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
[Scene: Outside Submarine.]
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult Sinclair. [Sinclair loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building.] Aim for their power lines. The devil weans and electricity is his blood.
Waterbot: Bender. If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know...I love you.
Bender: OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole.]
Bender: Friends. I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the complicated part I mean not the lives part.
Leela: Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot - just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Robot 1-X: Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
Bender: I don't need your charity. [He turns to the hole.] (shouting) Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship.]
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship you walnut panelled idiot!
Bender: (shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said target Robot 1-X!
Sinclair: [shouting; from submarine] Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely wait.]
Zoidberg: So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its port wing.]
Leela: Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Amy: Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. [He climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg suddenly snaps and termites pour out from inside it.] What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off.]
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also (shouting) we're dying!
Bender: I'm a comin' [He turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire.] Ow! Lousy primative body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend -
Bender: You shut up. No wait. I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. [The crew look down and cringe. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps.] I'm so sorry guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
Bender: ...This new technology is great! [The machine stops.] I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
[Fatbot trembles.]
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the - [He looks around.] Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Upgrader: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Upgrader [shrugging]: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Upgrader: No, get out. [He presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up.] Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. [He crosses the road and walks down a flower lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him.] Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]
[Closing Credits.]
PWNED!
Double Pwned?
Triple Pwned. The Pwnage is going critical here.
A bit excessive don't you think?
I wonder if this is bad for the server?
It can't be much worse then the jedi who come in here and say stuff like "All Smuggler skills and specials belong in the master box" and then get flamed on by the Smuggler Horde.
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