Smuggler Archive

[A busy diner (Development Studio) owned by the blustering, mustachioed Pete (SOE) Dionasopolis. He rings up a sale on his cash register. Star Wars music plays quietly in the background throughout the sketch. The phone rings and Pete answers:]

Pete: [into phone] Hello, SOE Studios! ... [yells to George, the cook] Jedi! Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

Pete: [into phone] No. No Smuggler, Jedis. ... [yells to Nico, the counterman] Four Jedi!

Nico: Four Jedi!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No Bounty Hunter. Jedi. ... [yells to Nico] Four Jedi!

Nico: Four Jedi!

Pete: [into phone] All right.

[Sandy, the stern, dark-haired entertainer is training an awkward noob.]

Sandy: [to the noob] Just do what I do, huh? [demonstrates what to say to the others] Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

Sandy: Three Jedi!

New Waitress: Three Jedi!

Sandy: Three Jedi!

New Waitress: Three Jedi!

Nico: Three Jedi! Three Jedi!

Male Customer: [paying his bill, to Pete at the cash register] I see that you are training another noob again.

Pete: [making change] Yeah. But she won't stay. They all want Smuggler! You know? Even him! [indicates Nico who stands by, grinning stupidly] I bring him over from Ultima Online. I give him free Jedi. A nice place to sleep in the back. But, even now, he's always asking for smuggler! Ehh! [pushes Nico back to work] Come on, get out of here.

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi!

Sandy: Two Jedi!

New Waitress: Two Jedi!

Sandy: Two Jedi!

New Waitress: Two Jedi!

Nico: Two Jedi! Two Jedi!

Female Customer: [sitting at counter, to Pete] Hey, uh, I'm almost done. I, uh, better order that Jedi to go.

Pete: Ah! I like you. You Jedi fast. All right, what to go?

Female Customer: Um, I want a Jedi, Jedi and a bag of Jedis.

Pete: [yells] Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi!

Nico: Jedi! Jedi!

Pete: Sandy! C'mere!

Sandy: [Pete exits as Sandy stands at the Mission terminal (to slice) with the noob who hangs up her coat before Sandy explains the system] Okay, when Pete (SOE) goes, you have to stand by the Mission Terminal but don't touch it. Pete is the only one to touch the Mission Terminal, huh?

Benefit Lady: [enters with placard, goes to counter, talks to Nico] Hi! Uh, we're having a benefit for the Smuggler twins -- you know, the little boys that whose profession got nerfed -- and I was wondering if I could put this poster in your window. [Nico doesn't understand a word she's saying but nods anyway] I can? [Nico shrugs, the benefit lady is delighted] Oh!

Nico: [to the benefit lady] Jedi?

Female Customer: [to the benefit lady] Look, um, he doesn't understand English. All he knows is "Jedi" ...

Nico: [to female customer] Jedi?

Female Customer: [George brings her order in a bag] Oh, hi, George, look, uh, I wanna tell you this joke, okay? [indicates Nico] Oh, tell him too -- it's real funny. Um, this guy says to the owner of a restaurant ... [George translates in Greek to Nico] Uh, I got some bad news for you and some worse news ... [George translates] Uh, the bad news is ... [George translates] ... that there's a smuggler in my server ... [George translates] Uh, the worse news is ... [George translates] It's the best part of the server! ... [An amused George translates the punch-line but Nico doesn't understand so George repeats it. Nico still doesn't get it, shrugs apologetically. George gives up, gestures to the customer that Nico is not too bright, hands her her order, and heads back to the grind.] Thank you. [rises, slices mission terminal, and exits]

Sandy: [phone rings, Sandy picks up, speaks into phone] Olympia Cafe. ... To go? Okay. ... [yells] Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi!

Sandy: Two Jedi! Two Jedi!

Nico: Two Jedi! Two Jedi!

Pete: [returns, shoos Sandy and the noob away] All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go, come on, move, come on!

Benefit Lady: [to Pete] Hi! Um, we're having a benefit and I was wondering if I could put this poster in your window.

Pete: Sure. Five dollars.

Benefit Lady: No! No, no, no, you don't understand. It's a benefit.

Pete: [upset] Look, you come in here, you don't even buy something, you want me to put something in the window?!

Benefit Lady: Oh, okay, I'll buy something, I'll buy something.

Pete: Okay, what'll you have?

Benefit Lady: Uh, I'll have a Ranger and a Commando.

Pete: No Ranger, no Commando. Jedi.

Benefit Lady: Okay, I'll have a Jedi, well done.

Pete: All right, Jedi. What to drink?

Benefit Lady: Ah, no Commando?

Pete: No Commando. Jedi.

Benefit Lady: Ah, do you have Pistoleer?

Pete: No. No Pistoleer. Jedi.

Benefit Lady: Rifleman. Do you have--?

Pete: Jedi!!

Benefit Lady: I don't think I want anything to drink, thanks.

Pete: Okay, Commando. [quickly levels her a Commando]

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Sandy: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi!

Pete: [upset, to the new waitress] Hey, hey, yo! Hey, you! You don't say it right! Okay? Listen. [with Greek accent, spoken quickly and without pronouncing the "d"] Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Pete: Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi!

Pete: No, no. Jedi!

George: [thinks an order is being made] Jedi!

New Waitress: Jedi! Jedi!

[Pete, George, and the noob all yell "Jedi" back and forth, faster and faster, until the entertainer explodes in fury:]

New Waitress: [throws her ticket book] I can't stand this place! [runs behind register to grab her coat] It's, like, nuts! I'm just getting out of this place! This is crazy! [grabs coat] Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi!

New Waitress: [keeps ranting] Jedi! Jedi!

Nico: Jedi! Jedi!

New Waitress: [putting on coat] Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi!

Nico: Jedi!

Benefit Lady: [trying to calm her] Hey, it's okay! It's okay! Everything's gonna be fine now. [to the Developer, who watch dispassionately] Can somebody get her a hit of Muon?

Pete: No Muon. Jedi.

Benefit Lady: All right, a Jedi!

Pete: One Jedi! [But Nico merely stands there, watching the distressed entertainer until Pete hits him several times with a menu] Jedi! Jedi! Jedi! Come on!

Nico: Jedi!

Sandy: Jedi! Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

George: Jedi! Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!

[We end on the image of numerous Jedi patties sizzling on George's grill.]

Master Smuggler

Kettemoor

Dire Couldwalker