Smuggler Archive
Thread: Hitchhiker's Guide to StarWars Galaxies
"You'd better be prepared for the CU. It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines The Combat Upgrade as an unfinished, rushed, half-assed attempt at a game balancing, forced out by LA marketing and Devs who can't stand up to said marketers. SOE/LA definesthe CUas "More Star Wars-centric, more engaging and fun for everyone ."
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines SOE/LA as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes," with a footnote to the effect that theDevs would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post ofArmorsmith correspondent.
Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in the future defined SOE/LA as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the wall when the revolution came."
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of the CU, which obeys its own special laws.
And finally, an X-files paraphrasal, for good measure, and an extra helping of nerdity.
The CUis like a box of chocolates -- a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for; unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you are stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down and there is nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there is a peanut butter cup or English toffee, but they are gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you are desperate enough to eat those all you have got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.
Feel free to post your own 
"What?" said the Smugglers
A bug," SOE said, "is something that we can't see, or don't see, or our brain doesn't let us see, because we think that it's somebody else's problem. That's what SEP means. Somebody Else's Problem. The management just edits it out, it's like a blind spot."
"Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and broken, it needs a big wide sounding word like...Com...Com...bat? Combat Update?!That's it! That's a good name - Combat Update! I wonder if it will be friends with me?"
[SPLAT]
- - A Very Surprised SWG Player
BluebloodUK wrote:
"Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and broken, it needs a big wide sounding word like...Com...Com...bat? Combat Update?!That's it! That's a good name - Combat Update! I wonder if it will be friends with me?"
[SPLAT]
- A Very Surprised SWG Player
"Not again..."
- The not so surprised Smuggler
"Players of SWG, your attention please," a voice said, and it was wonderful. Wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with distortion levels so low as to make a brave TKM weep.
"This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the SWG Development Team," the voice continued. "As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for re-development of the outlying framework of Combat require the building of a hyperspatial revamp route through your professions, and regrettably your profession is one of those scheduled for Updating. The process will take slightly less that 18 of your Earth hours. Thank you."
The Announcement Post died away.
Uncomprehending terror settled on the watching players of SWG. The terror moved slowly through the gathered Forums as if they were iron fillings on a sheet of board and a magnet was moving beneath them. Panic sprouted again, desperate fleeing panic, but there was nowhere to flee to.
Observing this, the Devs turned on their Announcement Board again. It said:
"There's no point in acting all surprised about it. All the combat documents and demolition schedules have been on display on Forum on stawarsgalaxies.com for fifty of your Earth days, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it's far too late to start making a fuss about it now."
The Announcement Board fell silent again and its echo drifted off across the globe. The huge Red Names turned slowly to the Servers with easy power. On the underside of each a hatchway opened, an empty black space.
By this time somebody somewhere must have written a Post, located a Community Rep and sent a message back to the Devs, to plead on behalf of the players. Nobody ever heard what they said, they only heard the reply. The Announcement Board slammed back into life again. The voice was annoyed. It said:
"What do you mean you've never been to starwarsgalaxies.com? For heaven's sake, it's only four clicks away you know. I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs that's your own lookout.
"Energize the Combat Update."
Light poured out into the servers.
"I don't know," said the voice on the Announcement Board, "apathetic bloody players, I've no sympathy at all." It cut off.
There was a terrible ghastly silence.
There was a terrible ghastly noise.
There was a terrible ghastly silence.
The Devs coasted away into the inky starry void.
Upgrades are illusions, Combat Upgrades doubly so.
This must be Thursday, I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
