Ranger Archive

CORONET, CORELLIA - Doctors across the galaxy are rushing to isolate and develop a vaccine to reign in the damage being done to the galaxy by the recent sexually transmitted disease being called "clonal unremarkability" (or CU).

"The problem with CU is that everything ends up homogenized," says Dr. Vas Deferens of Sienar Organismal Enterprises, a leading researcher of the clonal disease. "Everything and everyone start looking the same, between planets, and between galaxies and systems. Everyone and everything seems to blend together and look alike when stricken with CU. Everyone is only interested in the same professions, the same businesses, and the same method of doing things. It could potentially make the galaxy a very boring place."

What little is known about CU indicates that the disease is sexually transmitted, and is usually spread by travelers between different systems and galaxies. The disease causes a member of a partnership to begin to look, act, and speak like their partner, resulting in homogenization among all the various species and professions of Lowca, potentially ruining the economy and diversity. CU leads to disorientation, exhaustion, and eventual death, usually by suicide due to feelings of self-worth and depression. Remission of the disease is rare, and those stricken by the disease seem to only revive for approximately a month before succumbing to their ills once more. CU has hit the veteran community especially hard, with the lifestyle of the military pointed to as one of vice and sex.

Theories about how CU originated include its creation in the vast expanses of the distant WoW system, and has been brought to Lowca by space truckers, with their horribly poor hygeine and tendency to frequent WoW strip clubs, which are well know for their inhibition. Proponents of this theory point to the common combat and lifestyles between the WoW system and new cultures now sweeping across Lowca. Still others believe that planet EQ:2 in the Undar Outlier system was the source, due to their prolific trade in young male sexual slaves. Conspiracy theorists belive that the debilitating disease was concocted by a corporation in order to make money through the cure for the disease. Sienar Organismal Enterprises has been the main target of this theory, and their administration has reacted swiftly to these allegations.

"It's simply untrue," Deferens said, "if we had any way to fix CU, we'd have done it by now. In fact every cure that we've attempted to create for the disease so far has worked well on experimental systems in the laboratory, but has failed miserably when moved to the public. Hell, most of our potential fixes just seem to make things worse." Deferens shook his head and continued, "I mean, if you think we're responsible for CU, then we'd have to be a seriously half-baked bunch of mongoloids to have it become the disaster that it has. For it to have spread this far, and cause this much of a problem for the citizens of Lowca, without us having a cure in reserve? Simply mornonic."

The lack of cure for this disease is apparent, and little done by other groups has served to help the issue. At the clear establishment of the disease in the galaxy, public outcry was fierce against the Empire, but the only response given by the governing institution was to reopen the space lanes to Kashyyyk in an attempt to divert public attention from the disease to the rich hunting grounds of the fertile planet. For now, all the galaxy can do is prepare itself to deal with the disease, which looks to be something that the citizens of Lowca will simply have to deal with.

And deal with it they have. Outreach groups across the galaxy have preached the virtues of abstinence and monogamy as well as birth control among the members of Lowca. "The last thing we need are more people around here for the CU to effect," says Director Wyre H'ngr of the Coronet Planned Parenthood branch, "but if you look at the stats, it would seem that our attempt at education about the CU has been effective, however. The population of Lowca has actually decreased in all demographics, excluding the Jedi. But that's to be expected, because we all know the Jedi have no control over themselves and can force anyone anywhere to do anything they want, because of their inflated egos." H'ngr then illustrated his point with a chart showing the near exponential growth of the Jedi population over the past several months.

So, how can the general public protect themselves? "Use protection, and remain loyal to your partner," affirmed Demmoc Seti and his life-partner Oreet under condition of anonymity, "If you're gonna party, make sure you double bag your groceries. And always have a safe-word in case something goes wrong."

Other than that, all Lowca can do is hope and pray that companies like Sienar find a way to fix the dread disease of CU.

- Andara Ven (filling in for Oumack who reportedly called in sick today)


Also in the news:

• Wookiee Population Explosion Source Discovered
  
  
  
• Skirmish on Dantooine
  
  
  
• Bendali Scientific Destroyed
  
  
  
• Nyax Family Declares Bankruptcy
  
  
  
• Empire Searches for Source of Jedi Plague
  
  
  
• Holonet News Briefs 1
  
  
  
• Holonet News Briefs 2
  
  
  
• Holonet News Briefs 3
  

nppmaHamus

o Galactic Geographic Explorero

Master Mountain Climber

i've always enjoyed Oumack's Holonet New Briefs. He was a good friend in-game, and his abscense will leave a large void in Lowca.